WHO DO I LIKE?
have i sufficiently gotten your attention?
sorry, i'm not at liberty to say. It's something between me, God and people that I trust.
I have a number of fears.
Falling in and out of liking. Not love because i don't believe you can fall in love. I call a lot of these phases because for me they are. In a way i think it's lust. i'm probably gonna get a lot of heat 'cause of this blog or no one's gonna be willing to "get to know me better" in that romantic sense, but i think it's something that's so major in the world that not responding to it would be sort of.. lacking i guess. Yeah.. so i fear that what i feel is temporary. but the funny thing is what i feel for my family has been the same.. it's permanent. I love them and I'll love them forever. But they've been so good to me. God has been so good to me. What if my faith is tested you know? Will my love for the Almighty be unconditional or conditional? That's something i fear in a relationship, too. Another fear is that i'm too young. People change and people mature and people maybe move backwards, but sometimes, i'm still in kid mode. I still think i'm under my parents' superivsion and i'm not willing to take responsibility for my own life. I've never really been able to express my love to people and tell them how much i appreciate them by saying I love you. I can't say I love you to my mom, dad or sister in person. I've never really said I love you to my friends in person though it probably would mean so much to them knowing how much someone loves them and cherishes them. God is my first love. But it'll be nice to say to someone that i love them and encourage them and spur them on. ok tangent back to what i meant to write about.
I'm going to be honest... it would be nice to be in a relationship, but i know there are things that I know i need to work on.. what? getting back into serving. not being consumed with whatever is on my mind being either school or being romantically involved in someone. it's so interesting that now i'm in college, people are asking, so are you dating? do you like anyone? is there anyone you think you could potentially date? no. not right now. I promised to myself, God, my mother and a whole mess of my friends that freshman year I would let God mold me to whatever woman He wants me to be and to be totally satisfied in my singleness and praying for God to also be preparing a godly man who I can serve who would love me. I guess you can say my views are not of this world and they're archaic. When askign someone to the prom, my friend said, ask the guy... it's the 90's. i dunno it just didn't really feel right. And i've sworn off dancing. I can't say that I was pure at formal dances and yeah.. i'm promising right now like i've promised when i graduated from high school that I'll never dance like that again. at one of the dances, i kept thinking, am I glorifying God by doign this? No i wasn't. I was just adding fuel to the already burning fire of lust for me and the other person. I've sought forgiveness from God and I want to be clean... and i am.
insecurity about myself is another fear. looking at myself... sometimes i wonder how could a guy like me. evaluating the extremity of emotion that i feel about these things and pms sometimes i wonder why and how someone would have the patience with me and believe me it takes a lot of patience to deal with me.
I dunno, what kind of guy am i looking for? Someone godly, someone actively searching to know and love God more. someone who is gentle in spirit, not insensitive, not too sensitive. someone willing to take initiative and lead, but someone who will not be a dictator and work at his own agenda. someone to seeks the will of God and who respects and cherishes my input. Someone besides God worth serving. I will never initiate a relationship because it's not my place and if i do that in a relationship, to be honest, that person is not worth it and he needs to learn how to be a leader.
so much of my high school life has revolved around relationship drama, and when it comes to marriage and being with someone, i don't want that. some people say the higher you go the more love and happiness you feel, the harder you're going to fall. is that really true? i don't want that to be true for my relationship. Sure, fights and disagreements are going to come up, but there's a reason for all of these. if there are none, i worry. if there are too many, i worry, too.
ok. i think i've talked enough. sorry it's so long, just felt like i needed to get it out there. and again, if i was unwise with my words or wrote something that was sinful or wrong, please, by all means tell me.