Reading over old journal entries is quite interesting, quite humbling. The acute-ness has officially ended, and it is now time to evaluate and form habits that are life-long. I've noticed some patterns in my behavior over the years
1) I tend to cling on to God 100% when things are not going well. That's when I'm not aware of the grace and love from above and I more fervently search for it. It's not that it's not there, but I try harder when times are hard for God. Does that make sense?
Corollary: I tend to cling on to God less when things are going well, or when I "have the power to change things or I can take control. I suppose that's very common.
2) I'm a stubbourn ass. Talk to my friends, I won't even take advil even though I'm in bed, writhing in pain. That has changed. If I'm being stubbourn, let me know.
3) There are lessons that I've learned that I've forgotten. Valuable lessons, lessons that are so easily forgotten when one takes things for granted and also when someone is a stubbourn ass. I was taught that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and don't make the mistake again. Well, that lesson has not stuck. I've made mistakes over and over and over again only to find myself making all the same mistakes. (hm... negative thinking...) But it is God who can change me. Change is hard, change takes effort, but by the nudging of the Holy Spirit is a human soul prompted to change. Change doesn't occur overnight. It's one day at at time... one breath, step, blink of an eye at a time.
4) Taking a risk to bring up something potentially difficult with someone is therapeutic. Keeping it inside and letting it fester is cancerous just because you don't want to rock the boat. I've learned the value of voice, and making it heard.
5) I think too much. Even at this moment, I'm thinking. Thinking can be dangerous. It can lead to a slippery slope in 2 ways: positive or negative. Need to catch those thoughts before the enter the cycle. The farther down the path they go, the harder it is to come out of it.
6) If I think about t=2 years from now or even 1 month from now, I know I'm going to start freaking out. Worry is a demon that must be slain. Worry is a sin that can be overcome and forgiven.
7) Mulling over things will not change them. I mull a lot. I mull a lot because I'm a stubbourn ass. But mulling over things will not change them. There are so many other productive things to do than to just sit on the butt thinking about something I can't change.
Anyway, It's a beautiful day today in the City. Positive thought of the day: I love San Francisco. It is a beautiful city that I've been calling home. At anytime, anywhere in the city there is a whole range of human emotion and interaction. The extent of man's depravity can be seen in this City, but at the same time, God's work of redemption screams volumes, too.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18
Thursday 31 August 2006
Sunday 27 August 2006
Thursday 24 August 2006
Bookworm
Tagged by paulinechu
One book...
that changed your life...
that you've read more than once...
that you'd want on a deserted island...
that made you laugh...
that made you cry...
that you wish you had written...
that you wish had never been written...
that you're currently reading...
that you've been meaning to read...
that you haven't been able to get through no matter how many times you've started it...
I tag: Christina and Jeff
One book...
that changed your life...
that you've read more than once...
that you'd want on a deserted island...
that made you laugh...
that made you cry...
that you wish you had written...
that you wish had never been written...
that you're currently reading...
that you've been meaning to read...
that you haven't been able to get through no matter how many times you've started it...
I tag: Christina and Jeff
Friday 18 August 2006
Charity
"This is what comes, he says, of giving one's heart to anything but God. All human beings pass away. Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose. If love is to be a blessing, not a misery, it must be for the only Beloved who will never pass away."
"There is no escape along the lines St. Augustine suggests. Nore along any other lines. There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entaglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
"There is no escape along the lines St. Augustine suggests. Nore along any other lines. There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entaglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Tuesday 15 August 2006
drifting
I'm hanging onto God's word because I feel as though I can't hang on to anything else.
Over the years, my soul has accumulated so many cobwebs, that the only thing I feel now, is old sadness spinning so thick that I'm suffocating in it. I have come across demons and fears that have found me and stayed with me since early childhood. Those are the hardest to shake because they've woven themselves into my character. My own sinfulness has barred me from feeling the ultimate joy from God.
My dad was praying the other day, "because of You, Jesus, we are good and we deserve good things." The gospel gives hope, and I can slowly feel it percolating through the cobwebs, but at the same time, the long lost emotions are so overwhelming, I'm afraid to face them, I only want to bury them deep and wait only to have them surface again to haunt me.
David writes "But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers." (Psalm 1:2-3)
That's the goal. To delight and meditate everything that comes from God.
I'm that tree, the pain now is from pruning, because God wants to make me better. The storms will make me stronger and bring water that will make me grow. I will bear fruit during my season, when I am ready, I will be strong, I will provide shade for others and I will be resilient. Such a long road ahead, but that's the goal.
Over the years, my soul has accumulated so many cobwebs, that the only thing I feel now, is old sadness spinning so thick that I'm suffocating in it. I have come across demons and fears that have found me and stayed with me since early childhood. Those are the hardest to shake because they've woven themselves into my character. My own sinfulness has barred me from feeling the ultimate joy from God.
My dad was praying the other day, "because of You, Jesus, we are good and we deserve good things." The gospel gives hope, and I can slowly feel it percolating through the cobwebs, but at the same time, the long lost emotions are so overwhelming, I'm afraid to face them, I only want to bury them deep and wait only to have them surface again to haunt me.
David writes "But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers." (Psalm 1:2-3)
That's the goal. To delight and meditate everything that comes from God.
I'm that tree, the pain now is from pruning, because God wants to make me better. The storms will make me stronger and bring water that will make me grow. I will bear fruit during my season, when I am ready, I will be strong, I will provide shade for others and I will be resilient. Such a long road ahead, but that's the goal.
Saturday 12 August 2006
One minute yesterday, two minutes today
On the plane today, something happened. I was motivated to do something, to journal. I feel as though I've been wrestling with the demons in my head for so long that it's about to explode. I'm afraid to let it all out for fear that they'll make me less of a person. But it's gotten to the point where I'm consumed with myself and my thoughts that I have nothing to give others, especially those close to me, for that I am truly sorry.
Time to heal...
How much time? How hard will it be?
There's so much uncertainty in the future, but I am more than ever determined to slay that monster that has screwed me over.
God, gird me with your strength. Without you, I am nothing, powerless. I haven't even had the strength to get out of the bed in the morning. Bring the hope that comes only from you. Amen
Time to heal...
How much time? How hard will it be?
There's so much uncertainty in the future, but I am more than ever determined to slay that monster that has screwed me over.
God, gird me with your strength. Without you, I am nothing, powerless. I haven't even had the strength to get out of the bed in the morning. Bring the hope that comes only from you. Amen
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