so stinkin congested. today i was sitting in the lab meeting sniffling and breathing really loudly with my mouth. yuk. but today i went to the beach and the lifeguard commented on how the Bible was a good book. it was an opportunity to talk about something spiritual.. we did have a conversation but it was mainly a question and answer. man.. i missed an opportunity. it sucks to miss an opportunity.. knowing that God puts forth an opportunity like that and i totally missed it. but there were reasons not to because he was an older man and he made fun of me journaling. but still it was an opportunity. but the beach was quite nice. i had a towel and everything. there were so many sailboats on the water because the wind was quite strong. and they were just in the spot where the sun broke through the clouds. very nice.. very good picture moment. speaking about pictures.. the bottom dwellers who sold me my camera sent me what they claimed was the original manual and cd program for my nikon. instead.. they sent me a xerox copy of the manual and a burned cd of the program. that's SOOOO violating copyright laws and it's the second time. word of caution: be careful when you buy stuff online especially from a yahoo store. just because they're a yahoo store doesn't mean they're very good. trust me on this one.

aim fast. if you want.. keep me accountable! thanks! read here for..... updates? yeah....

There's too much time for me to think. yeah.. i think a lot. a lot a lot.

I have a number of strongly worded sentences for the bottom dwellers who are attempting to fix my camera.
BUT
My cousins Grace, Joy and Charity came today! And they're here to stay! YAY! (rhyming is fun especially when it comes spontaneously like that). Grace is so cute. When she sees something or someone she recognizes, there's this giant smile on her face and she waves and she holds out her bag of pretzels and says "nack!" for snack. Poor Charity has a rough ride on the airplane or she's incredibly scared of me because she started crying when I went up to her. Maybe my face is too big. And Joy. My sister and Joy are so cute. She's a mischievious one, but she's so dang smart, really hyper, too. :)

symptoms: sore throat, fatigue.
OOOOO guess what i did at work today! I blew air into a small vial and my air was processed by a gas chromatographer and some other very large machine and the information is yet to be interpreted by someone so maybe I have some sickness or I've eaten a double double or something.

hm... sooo tired. i'm going to read and then fall asleep.. maybe fall asleep reading or read while i fall asleep of sleep when i read.

speed skating is fun stuff. but i got a bruise from the boot and now it's getting bigger and i dunno if it's 'cause of my sprain last year or something, it feels a little sore... the ankle.

anyway..

here's a situation: i'm terrified of death. there are times for a couple minutes i'm paralyzed by the thought of death. death is unknown and the prospect of not living, not seeing tangible things not being able to touch, not being able to feel, having a sense of time.. these things i'm so used to and the prospect of losing these things is terrifying. Today in service i had an episode where i was nervous and this nervous feeling just takes over my muscles and i felt kind of suffocated. it lasted for a couple minutes. it happened a couple weeks ago during service, also. and it happened pretty bad on the last day of ESC our english summer conference when Dr. Russell was giving his last message. When i was a child, i was terrified of death. so terrified that i would die in my sleep that i wouldn't be able to sleep and i would wake my mom up. my fears then were that i would go to hell. i was a Christian but my assurance of salvation wasn't there. now i know i'm saved and i know i'm going to heaven, but i lack so much faith. pastor jerry mentioned the observation that people make.. "this is as good as it gets." too many times i'm stuck in that mode where the present and what i'm experiencing that i don't want to let it go. death is a terrible horrible painful process. Though Jesus Christ died the worst death ever, with his hands and feet nailed with thick 6-inch spikes and his back/ribcage and muscles exposed from leather whips with bone tied to the end and some gnarled thorns pressed down on his forehead, he lives. i'm so afraid of death now because i love my life. i love the people i interact with and my family and my environment and what i'm learning and how i'm growing.. but there's this life after my finite time and the faith i need to have is to believe that God and heaven exist and this life will be so much better so much sweeter than what i have no. i'm unsure and apprehensive about it because i never experienced it. Christianity is not a religion but it's a way of life i heard somewhere. There are questions about certain issues that can be answered by logic and evidence, but they support the premise or conclusion. No matter how much evidence is brought in support of the existence of God or of Jesus' resurrection, it all boils down to the faith that you have.

up in berkeley...need to shop for mattresses.

Flying up to Berkeley tomorrow. Excited. :)
i think my conception of myself is different from how other people see me...that's pretty much the only way to describe it.
Anyone know of cheap high speed internet in or around berkeley? i'm quite interested.

The Jonah Veggie Tales movie is coming out in theaters in the fall. everyone go see it!!

oh sorry the picture didn't come out.. im supposed to be anikin. kind of sad huh? i'm future evil. mwaaahaahaaahaa.

Which Star Wars character are you?



I was kind of afraid i was gonna be jar jar or something.

Oh Lamb of God sweet Lamb of God
i love the holy Lamb of God,
Oh wash me in His precious blood
My Jesus Christ the Lamb of God

Gosford Park is a thinking movie. Quite good if you like subtleties and stuff like that. If you like action and stuff, then bless your little soul, this will be a good 2 hour nap.
I'm finding that this summer is challenging as well as very relaxing. I'm way challenged at work, to learn what i haven't yet about cell biology and techniques and the art pipeting. And i'm finding i'm totally relaxed when i get home. Case in point: i sleep when i get home, i sleep after i finish a meal, i sleep at night. But there's also cool times when you sit on the still brown very broken in very comfortable couch that your parents bought before you were born with your sister and her boyfriend or a couple friends or by yourself wrapped up in a blanket with a mug or orange juice or water watching something on tv. my attention span is shortening as we speak. blast those moving pictures and that box of empty color.

fun things i want to do:
go to golden gate park
go sailing
play scrabble on one of those cool scrabble boards that spin.
fall asleep on a hammock. :P
take a chair or a mat somewhere in the sun with my cool fisherman's hat and just read for the afternoon.

hm... lack of spiritual insight. I'm reading/finishing Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline and it's alrite. it's not life changing but there are some good practical applications it's not a quick fix to get all disciplined and stuff, but it's something to get on the right track, but if you want to be disciplined, you don't read about it. I'd rather be disciplined than to read about it. like when you're fat and say you want to work out or something like that. you don't go on the internet and read about working out and all that stuff. you go do it. sweat blood and tears, dude. Surely studying is a part of the Christian life, but a majority of study should be focused on the Bible 'cause you know.. it's the Bible. God is the hero of our lives, God is the hero of the Bible the protagonist, you see His sovereign will working throughout all of time.

yeah ok.. so there's this fisherman's hat that's on my desk next to my computer. the hat is similar to zoe's (my bear) except that it's navy blue and i'm bored so i just put it on for kicks. (this was about an hour ago so maybe 12:30 or something) (i wear this because it blocks sun not that it would block sun now because it's dark and i'm inside but anyway). My dad walks in and he asks "why are you wearing a hat?" and i say "i dunno.. 'cause it was there." and he talks to me whatever he wanted to talk about or ask and then goes to bed. and about 20 min later my sister walks in and asks "why are you wearing a hat?" and i think she's asking me why was there so much clicking so i say i'm playing minesweeper. and she asks again almost laughing "why are you wearing a hat?" so i say.. i dunno.. 'cause i was bored. and then she asks me about the camera and goes to bed. i think my family has come to accept whatever weird quirks i have.

I saw minority report today. it was nice bumping into some high school friends. i'm not sure if i like the movie or not. if you know me and you've seen the movie you'll know why.
today at work was the same way. i'm not sure if it was a good day or not. we did a western blot today and it yeilded no results. but we got to go eat dim sum. and i got some reading for progesterone receptors... i'm gonna be ready to roll for my project this summer. :)

I got a project today at work! It'll be an individual thingy that I get to work on for the rest of my time at REI. :) AND, I moved labs.. so i have a lot of room and peace and quiet. It's on the other side of the building away from the stairwell and refrigerators so not a lot of people are always passing though and it's nice. It's kind of weird though because some labs nearby, their lights are ALWAYS off and no one is in those labs. It's kind of weird. But anyway, yeah my own project. Gonna be doing immunocytochemistry (staining for the presence of proteins with different antibodies) and western blot (same basic thing as immunocytochemistry except the proteins are arranged by molecular weight).

Oh my goodness i was so bored today. ok so I went to church in the morning. came back and napped and then helped my sister clean some of the garage. found a really pretty chinese style dress but got discouraged because it was too tight. then i got bored. new pictures are up. More Yosemite Pictures
Why such boredom?
Maybe this is my relaxed state. i don't get this bored during the school year.
there's going to be a time where the seasons don't matter...and vacations will be 2 weeks long. haven't quite gotten used to that idea yet. haven't gotten used to the idea that i'm in college but eh...