WHO DO I LIKE?
have i sufficiently gotten your attention?
sorry, i'm not at liberty to say. It's something between me, God and people that I trust.
I have a number of fears.
Falling in and out of liking. Not love because i don't believe you can fall in love. I call a lot of these phases because for me they are. In a way i think it's lust. i'm probably gonna get a lot of heat 'cause of this blog or no one's gonna be willing to "get to know me better" in that romantic sense, but i think it's something that's so major in the world that not responding to it would be sort of.. lacking i guess. Yeah.. so i fear that what i feel is temporary. but the funny thing is what i feel for my family has been the same.. it's permanent. I love them and I'll love them forever. But they've been so good to me. God has been so good to me. What if my faith is tested you know? Will my love for the Almighty be unconditional or conditional? That's something i fear in a relationship, too. Another fear is that i'm too young. People change and people mature and people maybe move backwards, but sometimes, i'm still in kid mode. I still think i'm under my parents' superivsion and i'm not willing to take responsibility for my own life. I've never really been able to express my love to people and tell them how much i appreciate them by saying I love you. I can't say I love you to my mom, dad or sister in person. I've never really said I love you to my friends in person though it probably would mean so much to them knowing how much someone loves them and cherishes them. God is my first love. But it'll be nice to say to someone that i love them and encourage them and spur them on. ok tangent back to what i meant to write about.
I'm going to be honest... it would be nice to be in a relationship, but i know there are things that I know i need to work on.. what? getting back into serving. not being consumed with whatever is on my mind being either school or being romantically involved in someone. it's so interesting that now i'm in college, people are asking, so are you dating? do you like anyone? is there anyone you think you could potentially date? no. not right now. I promised to myself, God, my mother and a whole mess of my friends that freshman year I would let God mold me to whatever woman He wants me to be and to be totally satisfied in my singleness and praying for God to also be preparing a godly man who I can serve who would love me. I guess you can say my views are not of this world and they're archaic. When askign someone to the prom, my friend said, ask the guy... it's the 90's. i dunno it just didn't really feel right. And i've sworn off dancing. I can't say that I was pure at formal dances and yeah.. i'm promising right now like i've promised when i graduated from high school that I'll never dance like that again. at one of the dances, i kept thinking, am I glorifying God by doign this? No i wasn't. I was just adding fuel to the already burning fire of lust for me and the other person. I've sought forgiveness from God and I want to be clean... and i am.
insecurity about myself is another fear. looking at myself... sometimes i wonder how could a guy like me. evaluating the extremity of emotion that i feel about these things and pms sometimes i wonder why and how someone would have the patience with me and believe me it takes a lot of patience to deal with me.
I dunno, what kind of guy am i looking for? Someone godly, someone actively searching to know and love God more. someone who is gentle in spirit, not insensitive, not too sensitive. someone willing to take initiative and lead, but someone who will not be a dictator and work at his own agenda. someone to seeks the will of God and who respects and cherishes my input. Someone besides God worth serving. I will never initiate a relationship because it's not my place and if i do that in a relationship, to be honest, that person is not worth it and he needs to learn how to be a leader.
so much of my high school life has revolved around relationship drama, and when it comes to marriage and being with someone, i don't want that. some people say the higher you go the more love and happiness you feel, the harder you're going to fall. is that really true? i don't want that to be true for my relationship. Sure, fights and disagreements are going to come up, but there's a reason for all of these. if there are none, i worry. if there are too many, i worry, too.
ok. i think i've talked enough. sorry it's so long, just felt like i needed to get it out there. and again, if i was unwise with my words or wrote something that was sinful or wrong, please, by all means tell me.

i'm blogging right now because i don't want to work on either my paper or study for my math midterm on friday i know. terrible. haven't really been motivated to do anything and just wanting to slack off. i know. that's kind of bad. someone told me it was 'cause of the winter time. i don't know why. maybe 'cause i tried too hard first semester and i'm tired of trying and getting lazy. that's so not good. discipline.. something that i want to keep but not go overboard.

OXYGEN
I take each breath as if it is my first
I hold it there, so deep inside me
'til i'm about to burst
i speak each word as if it is your name
i move my lips... i see the whisper/
stir the gentle flame
your heart beats and so does mine
your loves moves
and i know i'm alive

you are my oxygen
i breathe you in
i breathe you out
you are my life
you are what life's about
-Avalon

It got all dreary, misty, gray, windy all of a sudden. :(

Today was a long day.5:00.. woke up thinking it was 8.
7:00 too tired set the alarm to 8.
8:00 wake up.
9:00 get to lab (thank goodness it was only a midterm review today.
9:05 ACK i forgot my report and hw at home.
9:15 get back to CKC and get hw.
9:40. get back to latimer and hand in stuff.
9:45. class ends go to northside and eat crepes and study and call my mom who's at work so i didn't really talk to her.
11:00 math discussion almost fall asleep. take quiz half asleep.
12:30 music. fun class.
2:00 meet up with christina eat.
3:00 fall asleep on the benches outside of dwinelle...unconsciously breathingcarbon monoxide and tar. Random fun fact: when you fall asleep, your sense of smell is the first to be inactive. so if you have a fire and no fire alarm.. you can die. morbid thought but yeah. Thank God for fire alarms.
3:45 EAT
5:00 walk to pimentel
5:30 midterm.
7:10.. DONE WITH MIDTERM!!!
7:30.. easy mac dinner with Christina. MMMmmMMMMM
9:30 WE STINKIN FIND OUT MICHELLE KWAN GETS BRONZE AND SARAH HUGHES GETS GOLD BEFORE WE ACTUALLY SEE THEM PERFORM. At least it took a lot of the expectancy stress off.
11:40 at CKC.
2:05 typing this.

nevermind. it doesn't work when it's actually published.

�‡
HAahaahaa DO YOU SEE THE INFINITY SIGN? IT WORKS!
thank you Hannah. :)

The Euthyphro Dilemma of Philosophy:
Does God like piety because people are pious, or are people pious because God likes piety?
(this question arose in Plato's Euthyphro in a dialogue...)
Why is that even a dilemma? There are supposedly 2 "horns" of this question. If you take the first one, that means you're putting a limit on God's power and you're implying that there is an ethical order beyond God. If you think the other half of the question, one is limiting man's power.
It's an interesting question to think about but let me share what I believe the answer to the question is.
This question is not a dilemma for me because I believe in God's almighty all-knowing power. So I don't have a real problem with accepting the fact that man's power is limited. Man's power is limited. This statement is what you call a categorical proposition in logic (read Come let us reason by Norman Geisler if you get a chance). An affirmative categorical proposition. So anyway, I believe that God is the source and standard for perfection, morality and ethics.
But why stop there. Why not question piety.
What does piety mean? Well, my favorite website: Dictionary.com says:
"Having or exhibiting religious reverence; earnestly compliant in the observance of religion; devout.
Marked by conspicuous devoutness: a pious and holy observation.
Marked by false devoutness; solemnly hypocritical: a pious fraud.
Professing or exhibiting a strict, traditional sense of virtue and morality; high-minded."
Just because one is pious doesn't mean that one is a Christian, or in other religions, that particular religion. It is the state of mind, the condition of the heart by which we are saved. "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God, not as a result of works, that no one whould boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
You can wave a heresy flag or talk to me and rebuke me, but I don't think God really appreciates piety unless it comes with absolute faith and love which I know I sometimes don't have. So... if we think about it.. the pharisees were pious, but Jesus reprimanded (if that is the correct word) time and time again. And they were revered teachers of the Law and major religious leaders of that time.
So I just totally lost my train of thought on this blog...

Be Thou My Vision
Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that thou art
Thou my best though by day or by night.
Waking or sleeping thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, be Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Fa-ther, I thy true child
Thou in me dwelling, by love reconciled

Riches I need not, nor earth's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou on-ly, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'n's Sun
Heart of my heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all

HOT POT today.. mmmmmm. I tried the rice noodles for the first time today. Once you put them in boiling water, they shrink and become soft immediately. It's quite nice. Rice noodles are so good. They remind me ofmy trip to malaysia. It was singles day at the restaurant today. I had a coupon so we all decided to go. It's kind of funny 'cause there were a number of single girls going to hot pot. It was like the day where they all can indulge in meats of all types, marinated, sliced, boned, rare, well done.. any kind of meat to your hearts desire. My pick? Those ribs, and those pork chops.. mmmmmmMMMMmmm. :) And the noodles. pretty good, too.

Testimony

I was born and raised in a Christian Home and I can honestly say that I’m so fortunate to have been raised in such an environment. I was exposed to Christian Doctrine and the church early on, but of course as a child, I never really understood quite the sacrifice that Jesus made by dying on the cross. I was a kid so I did dumb things like steal from my mom, and my thought life was a mess. I worried and I was terrified of death. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and going to my mom’s room and just telling her that I’m afraid of dying.

When I was seven I contracted pneumonia. It was the strain that wouldn’t be crippling in adults, but as a child, it was potentially lethal. The Dr. tried a type of antibiotic but what was in my lungs didn’t go away so I was hospitalized. In the hospital he tried a number of other antibiotics intravenously, but it did not work either. I didn’t know it at the time but my condition was serious and my mother and father prayed earnestly that I would get through it. I remember old women standing next to my bed and saying I should ask Jesus into my heart and I’ll be saved. Praise to God, He saved me. The doctor, as a last resolve before sending me to a children’s hospital, he tried erythromycin (the first antibiotic) intravenously and it worked. God healed me through the antibiotic.

I started thinking about what the old women had said and I lived my life like a Christian not really understanding. I believed that Jesus did die to save me and be my Lord, but it wasn’t real to me. I truly made the decision to give my life to my Savior was when I went to a conference. The speaker came around to people and asked if anyone needed any prayer and said I wanted to be saved and I started crying. I felt the Holy Spirit moving through me and then I knew. It was real to me and I realized that my life is nothing without Christ.

I’m not perfect and my life hasn’t been perfect, but slowly and surely, God is breaking me and molding me into something he can use. I’m a very serious person and I sometimes read too much into some situations and I worry too much and it’s a sin that I continually struggle with. I remember talking to my mom and she gave me this passage:
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

yeah.. apologies.. too many changes, but i like this one better. It's simpler. calming, more boring. a reflection of my personality. :)
so apologies for so many changes. but ima stay with this one. :)

The area Christina and I are willing to live is between Parker and Durant, and between College and Ellsworth. Is that reasonable? Yeah...

going to hot pot tomorrow for 10.99. Fun stuff. :-D

Does anyone have any suttestions to what commentaries or what not for Isaiah and the prophets? I wanna go into more depth in my quiet times/studying and yeah.

Happy Chinese Lunar New Year.

today is just blog day... keep forgetting to mention this..
Ecclesiastes 5:2 "Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God. For Godis in heaven andyou are on the earth; therefore let your words be few." (NASB translation)

Let My Words Be Few By Matt Redman
You are God in heaven and here am I on earth.
So i'll let my words be few, Jesus I am so in love with you.

And I'll stand in awe of you (3x)
And I'll let my words be few, Jesus I am so in love with you.

The simplest of all love songs, I long to sing to you,
So I'll let my words be few, Jesus I am so in love with you.

It's cool to find the verse references to songs that are good. It's also a good test to discern whether or not the Song takes God's word out of context and stuff.

Why give flowers that represent your love when they only last for a couple days? Why give chocolates when you know your love "doesn't eat sweets"?
Dr. Roz prescribes (notice the pharmacy reference) giving practical gifts that one can use like socks. Everyone needs socks. What else? Cups/Towels, ooo.. everyone needs soap and shampoo and toothpaste and toothbrushes. The list goes on and on.
Sure irises/roses/orchids (my favorite flowers) are beautiful...but just think what kind of an impression would you make if you gave them something that represents your love in a more... permanent/useful manner?
Disclaimer: these views do not by any circumstance represent the views of all people of the female persuasion in this age group or any other...so yeah... take this all with a grain of salt. It's just a ploy for me to say that i'm too lazy to go grocery shopping.

I'm at home.. what time is it? 1 am? I'm in my sister's room... why? I dunno.
Today was the funeral. I learned a lot about my grandma. She taught my dad how to make dumplings, and my dad taught me how to make dumplings and man were they so good. I also learned what it was like to be a godly woman. My grandma was a godly woman. She served her family, she left her own family and served my grandfather's whole family. Sometimes my uncles or whoever would drop in on their house and she and my grandfather would be singing hymns and stuff. My grandfather was a pastor and my grandmother was a pastor's wife and yeah.. it's amazing what kind of sacrifices and stuff she made for her husband. Proverbs 31 immediately comes to mind when I think about her now.

Going to fellowship: It was kind of fun seeing everyone so surprised to see me. It's really good to be home, it's secure and yeah... yeah.. so yeah i'm kind of tired.. dunno why slept like the whole afternoon after the funeral. today is the 8th?

Praise: Praise God, got into math class.
but in the big scheme of things, this doesn't matter. do you know how i learned? My grandmother passed away. She was a christian so she's now with the Lord. It took trauma like that to learn, for God to teach me that in the big scheme of things, math doesn't matter.
I loved nai nai (that's grandmother on the dad's side in mandarin). When I was little, we'd go to her and Yeh Yeh's apartment and she made us Red bean bao. From scratch and wheat bread and it tasted so good. And yeah her laugh and smile was really cool. But one thing that struck me was at Yeh Yeh's funeral... on the way there, she didn't cry, but once she hugged someone, her lip quivered and she whimpered and right then and there you could see that she really loved him. They had a good marriage. She was a really strong person. Stubbourn at times, but she was a really strong person. She wouldn't complain when she broke her hip. She's self reliant and a godly woman. Her parkinsens' (however you spell it) got to her, but I always thought it'll be ok. She'll always be able to remember. When we went to her place, there would be a spark or recognition and her facial features would soften into a smile, but as it progressed, she remembered nothing. She couldn't walk, couldn't talk too well and her hands shook. I would say "Nai Nai hao" And she would ask who I was. She didn't even remember my dad. I found out on friday and though we were preparing for it, in the whole math/away from home thing.. it came as a shock and last friday i coudln't go a few hours without crying. I was being selfish for everything to work out fine, for things to be perfect for me. I know now that it's not so and God has his own plan. God took my grandmother home where she can be whole again. She can walk she can talk and she's with my grandmother and she can remember. I think when a Child of God dies, it's those who are still on earth who are sad.. because it's a loss and we loved that person very much. It kind of just showed me that I was putting God in a box, praying and kind of expecting that he would settle my schedule my way. Now, i understand and know God a little more. From the depths we cry out and that is when God reaches down and comforts us. Not because we deserve it, not because we're these superior beings that can be humored, but because he loves us and because through this He will be glorified, through this his children will learn what kind of a father he is. When these things happen, we also find out what kind of brothers and sisters we have and I've been blessed with brothers and sisters who mirror Christ's love and I'm so thankful. So here I am writing this on a wednesday night, flying home tomorrow being at peace with all that God has given me. Through that, I find great joy and peace.