speed skating is fun stuff. but i got a bruise from the boot and now it's getting bigger and i dunno if it's 'cause of my sprain last year or something, it feels a little sore... the ankle.

anyway..

here's a situation: i'm terrified of death. there are times for a couple minutes i'm paralyzed by the thought of death. death is unknown and the prospect of not living, not seeing tangible things not being able to touch, not being able to feel, having a sense of time.. these things i'm so used to and the prospect of losing these things is terrifying. Today in service i had an episode where i was nervous and this nervous feeling just takes over my muscles and i felt kind of suffocated. it lasted for a couple minutes. it happened a couple weeks ago during service, also. and it happened pretty bad on the last day of ESC our english summer conference when Dr. Russell was giving his last message. When i was a child, i was terrified of death. so terrified that i would die in my sleep that i wouldn't be able to sleep and i would wake my mom up. my fears then were that i would go to hell. i was a Christian but my assurance of salvation wasn't there. now i know i'm saved and i know i'm going to heaven, but i lack so much faith. pastor jerry mentioned the observation that people make.. "this is as good as it gets." too many times i'm stuck in that mode where the present and what i'm experiencing that i don't want to let it go. death is a terrible horrible painful process. Though Jesus Christ died the worst death ever, with his hands and feet nailed with thick 6-inch spikes and his back/ribcage and muscles exposed from leather whips with bone tied to the end and some gnarled thorns pressed down on his forehead, he lives. i'm so afraid of death now because i love my life. i love the people i interact with and my family and my environment and what i'm learning and how i'm growing.. but there's this life after my finite time and the faith i need to have is to believe that God and heaven exist and this life will be so much better so much sweeter than what i have no. i'm unsure and apprehensive about it because i never experienced it. Christianity is not a religion but it's a way of life i heard somewhere. There are questions about certain issues that can be answered by logic and evidence, but they support the premise or conclusion. No matter how much evidence is brought in support of the existence of God or of Jesus' resurrection, it all boils down to the faith that you have.