Patterns

Reading over old journal entries is quite interesting, quite humbling. The acute-ness has officially ended, and it is now time to evaluate and form habits that are life-long. I've noticed some patterns in my behavior over the years

1) I tend to cling on to God 100% when things are not going well. That's when I'm not aware of the grace and love from above and I more fervently search for it. It's not that it's not there, but I try harder when times are hard for God. Does that make sense?

Corollary: I tend to cling on to God less when things are going well, or when I "have the power to change things or I can take control. I suppose that's very common.

2) I'm a stubbourn ass. Talk to my friends, I won't even take advil even though I'm in bed, writhing in pain. That has changed. If I'm being stubbourn, let me know.

3) There are lessons that I've learned that I've forgotten. Valuable lessons, lessons that are so easily forgotten when one takes things for granted and also when someone is a stubbourn ass. I was taught that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and don't make the mistake again. Well, that lesson has not stuck. I've made mistakes over and over and over again only to find myself making all the same mistakes. (hm... negative thinking...) But it is God who can change me. Change is hard, change takes effort, but by the nudging of the Holy Spirit is a human soul prompted to change. Change doesn't occur overnight. It's one day at at time... one breath, step, blink of an eye at a time.

4) Taking a risk to bring up something potentially difficult with someone is therapeutic. Keeping it inside and letting it fester is cancerous just because you don't want to rock the boat. I've learned the value of voice, and making it heard.

5) I think too much. Even at this moment, I'm thinking. Thinking can be dangerous. It can lead to a slippery slope in 2 ways: positive or negative. Need to catch those thoughts before the enter the cycle. The farther down the path they go, the harder it is to come out of it.

6) If I think about t=2 years from now or even 1 month from now, I know I'm going to start freaking out. Worry is a demon that must be slain. Worry is a sin that can be overcome and forgiven.

7) Mulling over things will not change them. I mull a lot. I mull a lot because I'm a stubbourn ass. But mulling over things will not change them. There are so many other productive things to do than to just sit on the butt thinking about something I can't change.

Anyway, It's a beautiful day today in the City. Positive thought of the day: I love San Francisco. It is a beautiful city that I've been calling home. At anytime, anywhere in the city there is a whole range of human emotion and interaction. The extent of man's depravity can be seen in this City, but at the same time, God's work of redemption screams volumes, too.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18