drifting

I'm hanging onto God's word because I feel as though I can't hang on to anything else.

Over the years, my soul has accumulated so many cobwebs, that the only thing I feel now, is old sadness spinning so thick that I'm suffocating in it. I have come across demons and fears that have found me and stayed with me since early childhood. Those are the hardest to shake because they've woven themselves into my character. My own sinfulness has barred me from feeling the ultimate joy from God.

My dad was praying the other day, "because of You, Jesus, we are good and we deserve good things." The gospel gives hope, and I can slowly feel it percolating through the cobwebs, but at the same time, the long lost emotions are so overwhelming, I'm afraid to face them, I only want to bury them deep and wait only to have them surface again to haunt me.

David writes "But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers." (Psalm 1:2-3)

That's the goal. To delight and meditate everything that comes from God.
I'm that tree, the pain now is from pruning, because God wants to make me better. The storms will make me stronger and bring water that will make me grow. I will bear fruit during my season, when I am ready, I will be strong, I will provide shade for others and I will be resilient. Such a long road ahead, but that's the goal.