I had a nightmare yesterday:
I'm terminally sick and I go to my pediatrician. The treatment is that I get shot in the back of the head. So the procedure goes like this.. i lean back and i see this painting.. it's a painting hanging in the hallway next to the family room at home. I'm shot at point blank range and i hear it. A split second of intense pain and i feel everything draining out of me and now my vision is faded and only see muted colors. i'm sort of in a daze. Time passes and we go to a familiar restaurant with my family. We have to move tables and I have to help but i'm afraid of the blood draining from the back of my head. You see, i'm slowly dying. the bullet is lodged under my brain whenever i go through any physical exertion, blood and life drains out from the back of my head. we sit at a T shaped table and it's being said that the treatment is not working and I have to go in again. I hear the dr saying, if it doesn't work, we're gonna have to do it again until it does. so my next treatment is that i get shot in the heart.
I remember having the dream until i get shot in the head before yesterday. I don't know... do i fear death?
i'm feeling really insufficient. I don't know how God is using me. Well maybe it be a good thing that I don't know because if i do know how God has used me, i could translate that into pride and that's just beign stupid and prideful and seeking worth on my part. but then, it would be nice to see the fruit of the spirit, well that's like a personal thing... nevermind. Like, i guess what I'm trying to say is that, with the gifts that God has given me, how do I know if what I'm doing is really glorifying God you know what i mean? 'cause i believe that God has given me the gift of mercy. It's still not at all clear what this means and people have just said i think you have the gift of mercy. Byron says counseling but when i talk to my friends, it feels like the only thing i can do is pray and listen. i'm not wise to give good advice it feels like i can't say anything to comfort them except to pray and to listen. I don't know, just some thoughts.