a broken heart.
i think i've been thinking a lot about how God can break me and it's come to a climax while brushing my teeth. (odd i know, but my mind isn't satisfied with JUST thinking about teeth brushing).
i've realized how inconsistent i am. how inconsistent people are. there's the humdrum of life that's somewhat constant, but not all the time. it's a routine but apathetic... there's no real purpose to my studying or chasing my dreams of pharmacy only to get a steady secure job, to raise a family, get a good retirement, good life insurance so when i die my kids will still be ok.
i think God has really broken me in the sense that i am sooooooo not consistent and i sooo contradict myself that most of the time i'm a flaming hypocrite walking around. for contact evangelism (random evangelism as some people describe it) i go around talking to people, trying to intiate conversation about Jesus and yeah you should put your faith and trust in Jesus, but am I really doing the same thing? i think there are a lot of things that I can work on. In a way it's really encouraging because i have a goal to reach towards and a struggle to overcome, but how much of it is me? how much can I do because i've been so inconsistent thus far? i hate the feeling of being idle and yet i feel burnt out at the same time. i feel as though i'm not doing anything, but lately i've been feeling so tired. i've been really really missing home and wanting to talk and pray with my mom 'cause she understands a lot because well... half of my genes are from her. great.. i'm starting to tear.
anyway, a lot of me wants to retreat into my own little bubble, nurse whatever psychological imagined wounds that i have and feel sorry for myself and maybe this is the product of that, but i know it's my job to be a servant, it's my job to Glorify God's name. I just don't want it to turn into like i'm just doing it because i should, but yeah. anyway i should stop.