Thoughts on Family

I can't wait until Thanksgiving, then I can be official cool aunt/babysitter for the baby(boston). This new little addition to our family has proved to be most amusing and joyous (even though it's a dog). For an interesting view of animals, love and humanness please read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.

But to be honest, I want to be a real aunt. (not giving you guys any pressure or anything), but I find the most joy when I am among children for several reasons: they're so cute, they give and take love freely, their lives are uncomplicated by the depravity of this world yet they are beings in themselves complicated and depraved. There's something about having a child respond to me that gives me confidence and joy knowing that I somehow insilled knowledge and amusement in a being separate from myself. I'm just waiting for a time when my sister will call us and tell us that they're having a baby. (again, no pressure... :P) and there will be this little person that we can all love because he/she is family and we love them and that makes them valuable.

Such is the love that God gives us. We are valued because God loves us. We are beautiful because God loves us.

Sometimes it is such a struggle to keep that at the forefront of my mind.

This is the love that we family members have for each other. Granted, the love that my parents have for each other is slightly different, but it is just as deep. My parents love me no matter what. It is unconditional. It is love in spite of the emotion, it is love in spite of the horrid changes in mood and it is love in spite of my own depravity and sin. I love my sister and I love my parents in the same way with the same depth. No one is perfect and no one can love fully, but I feel like the love from my family is the closest to God's love that I'll experience on earth and it is a little fingerprint of how much God loves me.

I dunno what it is, but I feel in such a hurry to love someone like my mom loves my dad and to love someone like my mom loves me. But I guess this is not the time yet. Now is the time to accept and to love those already close to me.

But I so excited for the day that I'm loved as much and as deeply like my dad loves my mom and I can give love like my parents have given me.

Simplicity

tagged by Jaysha and Jessycho

10 Simple Pleasures
Falling asleep right away and waking up refreshed after x hours.
Reeses mini peanut butter cups and cheezits
the peace that comes with prayer
that one look, smile, word, touch from that special someone that immediately puts your nerves at ease
cleanly threaded eyebrows
Cal moving up in the national rankings (Go Bears!)
Sharing a meal with family
Knowing that God will sustain me through today, just today
Capturing the perfect photographic shot
A clean, warm towel fresh out of the dryer

I tag: BabyBoston

Suppose

Suppose you were hanging on to the end of a tree branch and it starts to crack. There's mist all around and there's no way to get up. You don't know how far the fall is, but you know it's the only way you can go. God is telling you to let go. Would you?

God, show me how deep this canyon is.

Time Takes It's Toll on Us

Have I become a soul so numb
All to familiar
Words of gold have all grown cold
Over and over
I need to see you in the sonrise

Time takes its toll on us
And it tries its best just to steal our love
And we bend and we break but we odn't give up
Time takes it's tol on us

From the start you touched my heart
And turned it in to something more
Beautiful, you're beautiful
So why does it have to be so hard
to see you in the sonrise...

randumb list of stuff

1) Darren Hayes (the lead singer of savage garden) is GAY!!!!

2) check this out.

3) i'm obsessed with looking at puppy pictures and saying "you're so cute" to a computer screen.

4) BEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! bebobebobebobebobebobebobebobebo
BEBO!!!!!! (new album out now.)

The album is amazing. Amazing. And he's on tour with Aaron Shust. That makes me a sad that he won't be in the bay area.

TGIF

This year is going to take a lot out of me. Not being negative, just being real. BUT, it could be very rewarding, we'll see.

I feel like that's been a mantra these days, "we'll see" (among many other things).

This quarter will be a test. If you remember, ask me how I did in December, we'll see.

The apprehension and panic from the night before school starting has turned into mild excitement for some classes and serious concern for other classes. Finally learning what these little pills ACTUALLY do, finally things are coming together little by little.

This quarter will be hard. I will work harder than I've ever worked before, but take heart, we will find a respit in the torrents of school. Where? I dunno.

We'll see.

epiphany

lately i've been struggling with feeling invisible. Like i'm not out there enough for people to notice me, not beautiful enough, not outspoken enough, not smart enough, not enough of a leader.

But something totally cool happened this morning right when I wake up. It was like God planting a thought in my head that was positive: He anointed David who wasn't the most obvious candidate for king. All of his older brothers appeared stronger, bigger, more kingly, but God chose David. Why? Because of his heart.

"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

kind of nice.


So lately I've been laying low, and I have no social stories to share, but my dreams have been the most shareworthy. Here's a dream I had last night.

So a couple friends and I are in Yosemite and we're in bunks on the north wall of a cabin. But the cabin looks like a visitor center, so there are rangers walking around. So i'm on the top bunk (i love top bunks) with my sleeping bag and mumford. The ranger is talking to us about protecting ourselves and something about steve irwin, and suddenly this huge bear comes in and lunges straight for mumford. At this point i'm freaking out. For those of you who don't know mumford, he's the penguin that DJ gave me for christmas one time. I sleep with him everynight (yes I know i'm a grown adult, but whatever, I still love my mumford) who's a wannabe teddy bear. He has this hat that has ears and is holding this teddy bear. so he's like a teddy bear. So after the ranger diverts the bear, he explains, "wow, Harold (the king of the grizzly bears) is really sensitive to things that look like bears, so you better protect that little animal of yours. So basically I stuff mumford head first into my rolled up sleeping bag head first to hide his bear-ness. And then the dream goes on, but it's not interesting enough to share.

so random.

Aiyo, wo de tian ah!

Rewind 36.5 hours...
September 7, 2006
2:10pm-leave for work
11:45pm-get home from work
Sepbember 8, 2006
1:00am-sleep
9:30am-wake up
11:15am-leave for work
8:30pm-get off work, start driving to LA
September 9, 2006
1:30-Miss the 5 to 405 interchange
2:10-Accident on 110 Freeway
2:20-110 to 405 interchange closed, exit 190th
2:30 get home.
Now: Sleep >_<

The Superficial

I finally got off my butt this weekend to do something semi-productive...and superficial.

Needed a change.

Roz: I'm going to dye my hair
Mom: What color?
Roz: Red
Mom: Ok, will it show up?
Roz: I dunno, we'll see.
Dad: I can help you dye your hair. If you use a comb, it'll dye more evenly.

That's right. When you've lived in a household with all women for 20+ years, this is the only way to bond. I could have gone with him to a Laker's Game at the Staples Center (too expensive), or hiking in Yosemite, but nope, my dad offered to help me dye my hair. Men who were born into families of all men have no idea what I'm talking about, but if you have all daughters, this is what could happen to you. Not to say it's a bad thing. (hey, if you can't beat them, join them)

So now my hair is black with a little bit of red. Not much of a change, but it shows up in the sun.

More superficial

I had this dream. One of my friends mentioned that you can get a free makeover at this spa. I forgot the store name. So I walk into a mall that looks a lot like the San Francisco Centre (the one from Powell BART) and ask someone where the store is. (Gosh, the storename is on the tip of my tongue). We're in a group (of boys and girls from SFC all going to get our makeup done. boys and girls, getting makeup done). So basically we're told to go into an elevator to level D. So I walk into this hallway that looks like the stairwell in Mulberry Union kind of dark and grungy waiting for the elevator. Some faceless people come out and they look like they had a little too much smokey eyes. Some of these elevators look like escalators, and they repeat. Some go to different places, some go to level D. So I take the D elevator (one that looks almost exactly like the elevators in the Units at Berkeley). I think I'm by myself at this point.

I turn the corner and find the store. I walk in and it kind of looks like a mix of Crepevine on Irving St. and Cafe Intermezzo on Telegraph Ave. Instead of menus on the walls, they offer massages, spa treatments, salt rubs (for people?), makeovers and other girly stuff people do at day spas. The setting is REALLY nice, lots of wood, soft lighting and there are a lot of people, from UCSF. Weird. So there's this med student who got a salt rub and said it was REALLY GOOD. And the lady behind the counter said they had a 1/2 hour free RIGHT NOW and I could take it. I wonder, but i'm here for the free makeup, but hey, I need some relaxing, might as well go with the salt rub. This is my first salt rub and if they had this in real life i'd totally do it. So first, I had to wash the makeup off my face, then basically oil down with some scented aromatherapy that I can actually still smell. Smells kind of like plumeria and jasmine. And I'm told to lie down on what looks like a hollowed out plane engine with steam coming through vents and a bench to lie down on. I say, I've never done this before. And the attendant says, don't worry, it's great. They put some sort of salt/oil mixture that smells like lavender and I strap myself onto this bench. And away we go.

It feels like I'm on a rollercoaster because the steam cylinder is swinging inside the store, but it's so relaxing. After it's finished, I come out feeling kind of sandy all over but very very relaxed and they soak me with alabaster oil to wash off the salt. Then they cover me with more salt that smells heavenly.

Then I start dreaming of something else. I think it might have been some food.

Patterns

Reading over old journal entries is quite interesting, quite humbling. The acute-ness has officially ended, and it is now time to evaluate and form habits that are life-long. I've noticed some patterns in my behavior over the years

1) I tend to cling on to God 100% when things are not going well. That's when I'm not aware of the grace and love from above and I more fervently search for it. It's not that it's not there, but I try harder when times are hard for God. Does that make sense?

Corollary: I tend to cling on to God less when things are going well, or when I "have the power to change things or I can take control. I suppose that's very common.

2) I'm a stubbourn ass. Talk to my friends, I won't even take advil even though I'm in bed, writhing in pain. That has changed. If I'm being stubbourn, let me know.

3) There are lessons that I've learned that I've forgotten. Valuable lessons, lessons that are so easily forgotten when one takes things for granted and also when someone is a stubbourn ass. I was taught that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and don't make the mistake again. Well, that lesson has not stuck. I've made mistakes over and over and over again only to find myself making all the same mistakes. (hm... negative thinking...) But it is God who can change me. Change is hard, change takes effort, but by the nudging of the Holy Spirit is a human soul prompted to change. Change doesn't occur overnight. It's one day at at time... one breath, step, blink of an eye at a time.

4) Taking a risk to bring up something potentially difficult with someone is therapeutic. Keeping it inside and letting it fester is cancerous just because you don't want to rock the boat. I've learned the value of voice, and making it heard.

5) I think too much. Even at this moment, I'm thinking. Thinking can be dangerous. It can lead to a slippery slope in 2 ways: positive or negative. Need to catch those thoughts before the enter the cycle. The farther down the path they go, the harder it is to come out of it.

6) If I think about t=2 years from now or even 1 month from now, I know I'm going to start freaking out. Worry is a demon that must be slain. Worry is a sin that can be overcome and forgiven.

7) Mulling over things will not change them. I mull a lot. I mull a lot because I'm a stubbourn ass. But mulling over things will not change them. There are so many other productive things to do than to just sit on the butt thinking about something I can't change.

Anyway, It's a beautiful day today in the City. Positive thought of the day: I love San Francisco. It is a beautiful city that I've been calling home. At anytime, anywhere in the city there is a whole range of human emotion and interaction. The extent of man's depravity can be seen in this City, but at the same time, God's work of redemption screams volumes, too.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18

Family

Meet the newest member of my family, my "nephew"

Bookworm

Tagged by paulinechu

One book...

that changed your life...



that you've read more than once...



that you'd want on a deserted island...



that made you laugh...



that made you cry...



that you wish you had written...



that you wish had never been written...



that you're currently reading...



that you've been meaning to read...



that you haven't been able to get through no matter how many times you've started it...



I tag: Christina and Jeff

Charity

"This is what comes, he says, of giving one's heart to anything but God. All human beings pass away. Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose. If love is to be a blessing, not a misery, it must be for the only Beloved who will never pass away."

"There is no escape along the lines St. Augustine suggests. Nore along any other lines. There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entaglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

drifting

I'm hanging onto God's word because I feel as though I can't hang on to anything else.

Over the years, my soul has accumulated so many cobwebs, that the only thing I feel now, is old sadness spinning so thick that I'm suffocating in it. I have come across demons and fears that have found me and stayed with me since early childhood. Those are the hardest to shake because they've woven themselves into my character. My own sinfulness has barred me from feeling the ultimate joy from God.

My dad was praying the other day, "because of You, Jesus, we are good and we deserve good things." The gospel gives hope, and I can slowly feel it percolating through the cobwebs, but at the same time, the long lost emotions are so overwhelming, I'm afraid to face them, I only want to bury them deep and wait only to have them surface again to haunt me.

David writes "But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers." (Psalm 1:2-3)

That's the goal. To delight and meditate everything that comes from God.
I'm that tree, the pain now is from pruning, because God wants to make me better. The storms will make me stronger and bring water that will make me grow. I will bear fruit during my season, when I am ready, I will be strong, I will provide shade for others and I will be resilient. Such a long road ahead, but that's the goal.

One minute yesterday, two minutes today

On the plane today, something happened. I was motivated to do something, to journal. I feel as though I've been wrestling with the demons in my head for so long that it's about to explode. I'm afraid to let it all out for fear that they'll make me less of a person. But it's gotten to the point where I'm consumed with myself and my thoughts that I have nothing to give others, especially those close to me, for that I am truly sorry.

Time to heal...

How much time? How hard will it be?

There's so much uncertainty in the future, but I am more than ever determined to slay that monster that has screwed me over.

God, gird me with your strength. Without you, I am nothing, powerless. I haven't even had the strength to get out of the bed in the morning. Bring the hope that comes only from you. Amen

My first A's Game

Pannyun's Wedding (Friend/Classmate)

Sarah and Victor's Wedding. (but this is Andrew and Kelly)

Bye, Jeff, I'm really gonna miss you.

my latest creation.

Home

"Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says, "you are my beloved in whom I am well pleased". Jesus made it clear that the same voice that he heard in the Jordan River and on Mount Tabor can be heard by me. He makes it clear that there is a home with the Father. But if I decide to keep control, if I go out into the world, I will keep running around asking everything, "Do you really love me?" I give all the power to the voices of the world. It is the world that defines me then. The world's love is full of ifs, 'yes I love you if you are good-looking, if you are intelligent, if you are well off, if you are educated, if you have connections, if you are productive'...endless ifs and it is not too hard to know when I have left home spiritually. Resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, ambition, rivalry are all obvious signs that I have left home, that I am letting the world define me with its love full of ifs. But when I an home with the Father then I know I am the beloved, I can confront and console and admonish without any fear of rejection or need for affirmation, and I can suffer persecution without the need for revenge or recieve praise without using it as proof of my goodness."
-Henri Nouwen, Return of the Prdigal Son

I've finished memoirs of a Geisha. It's so good. Highly recommended.

Spellcheck on Aisle 1

Go to the 4th and Market Walgreens and look at what they have on aisle 1....i'll do something nice for you if you tell me what's amusing about it.

Not finished yet...

There's this plaque that says, "Please be patient, God isn't finished with me yet..."

God has been teaching me that perfection isn't expected nor is it required.

When Jill Goodachre asks Chandler if he wants a piece of gum when they're trapped in the ATM vestibule, he responds with, "that would be perfection..."

I wish so many times I could say that about myself. "I'm perfection..." But ALL the time, I come up short and end up disappointing myself. I know how self absorbed this may sound to all of you, but I expect perfection from myself. My family and my closest friends can attest to that.

How liberating would it be to think, I'm not perfect, I'm not God and I can't do/be everything to everyone. Seems like such a basic lesson, but I am far from mastering it.

It's such a beautiful day outside. On no grounds is that my doing. God makes the weather change.

I think I also struggle with NOT trying to be perfect because I think it's just a cop out way to live, no effort needed. I guess that's my hubris. Where the balance?

I confess this irreverent attitude. Father, please forgive the behavior and the attitude that has been taken to the extreme, amen.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

July 4th Weekend

I'm still alive!!!
Last week, I went to Boston

With this guy...

to see these guys. And we...

Went shopping and looked at painted cows...

had a picnic in the public garden...

walked the freedom trail

had dinner in the north end (this place is GOOOOOD and cheap) and mike's pastry's canoli

explored lexington and concord

heard aerosmith play with the boston pops, walked on storrow drive...

watched the fireworks on the charles river

and i love this bumper sticker, haahaa.
We also went to Chowderfest and other places, but it was just nice to be with family. :)