Patterns

Reading over old journal entries is quite interesting, quite humbling. The acute-ness has officially ended, and it is now time to evaluate and form habits that are life-long. I've noticed some patterns in my behavior over the years

1) I tend to cling on to God 100% when things are not going well. That's when I'm not aware of the grace and love from above and I more fervently search for it. It's not that it's not there, but I try harder when times are hard for God. Does that make sense?

Corollary: I tend to cling on to God less when things are going well, or when I "have the power to change things or I can take control. I suppose that's very common.

2) I'm a stubbourn ass. Talk to my friends, I won't even take advil even though I'm in bed, writhing in pain. That has changed. If I'm being stubbourn, let me know.

3) There are lessons that I've learned that I've forgotten. Valuable lessons, lessons that are so easily forgotten when one takes things for granted and also when someone is a stubbourn ass. I was taught that when you make a mistake, you learn from it and don't make the mistake again. Well, that lesson has not stuck. I've made mistakes over and over and over again only to find myself making all the same mistakes. (hm... negative thinking...) But it is God who can change me. Change is hard, change takes effort, but by the nudging of the Holy Spirit is a human soul prompted to change. Change doesn't occur overnight. It's one day at at time... one breath, step, blink of an eye at a time.

4) Taking a risk to bring up something potentially difficult with someone is therapeutic. Keeping it inside and letting it fester is cancerous just because you don't want to rock the boat. I've learned the value of voice, and making it heard.

5) I think too much. Even at this moment, I'm thinking. Thinking can be dangerous. It can lead to a slippery slope in 2 ways: positive or negative. Need to catch those thoughts before the enter the cycle. The farther down the path they go, the harder it is to come out of it.

6) If I think about t=2 years from now or even 1 month from now, I know I'm going to start freaking out. Worry is a demon that must be slain. Worry is a sin that can be overcome and forgiven.

7) Mulling over things will not change them. I mull a lot. I mull a lot because I'm a stubbourn ass. But mulling over things will not change them. There are so many other productive things to do than to just sit on the butt thinking about something I can't change.

Anyway, It's a beautiful day today in the City. Positive thought of the day: I love San Francisco. It is a beautiful city that I've been calling home. At anytime, anywhere in the city there is a whole range of human emotion and interaction. The extent of man's depravity can be seen in this City, but at the same time, God's work of redemption screams volumes, too.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18

Family

Meet the newest member of my family, my "nephew"

Bookworm

Tagged by paulinechu

One book...

that changed your life...



that you've read more than once...



that you'd want on a deserted island...



that made you laugh...



that made you cry...



that you wish you had written...



that you wish had never been written...



that you're currently reading...



that you've been meaning to read...



that you haven't been able to get through no matter how many times you've started it...



I tag: Christina and Jeff

Charity

"This is what comes, he says, of giving one's heart to anything but God. All human beings pass away. Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose. If love is to be a blessing, not a misery, it must be for the only Beloved who will never pass away."

"There is no escape along the lines St. Augustine suggests. Nore along any other lines. There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entaglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

drifting

I'm hanging onto God's word because I feel as though I can't hang on to anything else.

Over the years, my soul has accumulated so many cobwebs, that the only thing I feel now, is old sadness spinning so thick that I'm suffocating in it. I have come across demons and fears that have found me and stayed with me since early childhood. Those are the hardest to shake because they've woven themselves into my character. My own sinfulness has barred me from feeling the ultimate joy from God.

My dad was praying the other day, "because of You, Jesus, we are good and we deserve good things." The gospel gives hope, and I can slowly feel it percolating through the cobwebs, but at the same time, the long lost emotions are so overwhelming, I'm afraid to face them, I only want to bury them deep and wait only to have them surface again to haunt me.

David writes "But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers." (Psalm 1:2-3)

That's the goal. To delight and meditate everything that comes from God.
I'm that tree, the pain now is from pruning, because God wants to make me better. The storms will make me stronger and bring water that will make me grow. I will bear fruit during my season, when I am ready, I will be strong, I will provide shade for others and I will be resilient. Such a long road ahead, but that's the goal.

One minute yesterday, two minutes today

On the plane today, something happened. I was motivated to do something, to journal. I feel as though I've been wrestling with the demons in my head for so long that it's about to explode. I'm afraid to let it all out for fear that they'll make me less of a person. But it's gotten to the point where I'm consumed with myself and my thoughts that I have nothing to give others, especially those close to me, for that I am truly sorry.

Time to heal...

How much time? How hard will it be?

There's so much uncertainty in the future, but I am more than ever determined to slay that monster that has screwed me over.

God, gird me with your strength. Without you, I am nothing, powerless. I haven't even had the strength to get out of the bed in the morning. Bring the hope that comes only from you. Amen

My first A's Game

Pannyun's Wedding (Friend/Classmate)

Sarah and Victor's Wedding. (but this is Andrew and Kelly)

Bye, Jeff, I'm really gonna miss you.

my latest creation.

Home

"Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says, "you are my beloved in whom I am well pleased". Jesus made it clear that the same voice that he heard in the Jordan River and on Mount Tabor can be heard by me. He makes it clear that there is a home with the Father. But if I decide to keep control, if I go out into the world, I will keep running around asking everything, "Do you really love me?" I give all the power to the voices of the world. It is the world that defines me then. The world's love is full of ifs, 'yes I love you if you are good-looking, if you are intelligent, if you are well off, if you are educated, if you have connections, if you are productive'...endless ifs and it is not too hard to know when I have left home spiritually. Resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, ambition, rivalry are all obvious signs that I have left home, that I am letting the world define me with its love full of ifs. But when I an home with the Father then I know I am the beloved, I can confront and console and admonish without any fear of rejection or need for affirmation, and I can suffer persecution without the need for revenge or recieve praise without using it as proof of my goodness."
-Henri Nouwen, Return of the Prdigal Son

I've finished memoirs of a Geisha. It's so good. Highly recommended.

Spellcheck on Aisle 1

Go to the 4th and Market Walgreens and look at what they have on aisle 1....i'll do something nice for you if you tell me what's amusing about it.

Not finished yet...

There's this plaque that says, "Please be patient, God isn't finished with me yet..."

God has been teaching me that perfection isn't expected nor is it required.

When Jill Goodachre asks Chandler if he wants a piece of gum when they're trapped in the ATM vestibule, he responds with, "that would be perfection..."

I wish so many times I could say that about myself. "I'm perfection..." But ALL the time, I come up short and end up disappointing myself. I know how self absorbed this may sound to all of you, but I expect perfection from myself. My family and my closest friends can attest to that.

How liberating would it be to think, I'm not perfect, I'm not God and I can't do/be everything to everyone. Seems like such a basic lesson, but I am far from mastering it.

It's such a beautiful day outside. On no grounds is that my doing. God makes the weather change.

I think I also struggle with NOT trying to be perfect because I think it's just a cop out way to live, no effort needed. I guess that's my hubris. Where the balance?

I confess this irreverent attitude. Father, please forgive the behavior and the attitude that has been taken to the extreme, amen.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

July 4th Weekend

I'm still alive!!!
Last week, I went to Boston

With this guy...

to see these guys. And we...

Went shopping and looked at painted cows...

had a picnic in the public garden...

walked the freedom trail

had dinner in the north end (this place is GOOOOOD and cheap) and mike's pastry's canoli

explored lexington and concord

heard aerosmith play with the boston pops, walked on storrow drive...

watched the fireworks on the charles river

and i love this bumper sticker, haahaa.
We also went to Chowderfest and other places, but it was just nice to be with family. :)

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

1) I've decided I like long hair, so therefore I will keep the length.
2) too much sleep can be dangerous. i can feel the lbs making me bigger.
3) can't wait to go to Boston next week. :)
4) work sucks the energy out of you.
5) i've been eyeing this kate spade bag on ebay. search kate spade maddie dot noel and you'll find it. it's been about a month or so and the price still hasn't gone down.
6) i'm getting a bit bored. but not really wanting to do anything except sleep, but I've slept too much.

functioning member of society

Hello from beyond the counter.

Buy Walgreens Brand so they can pay me more!

I finally get to do stuff that I didn't get to do as a clerk... like handle percocet, and amphetamines. Fun stuff.

I have new respect for pharmacists and technicians. Things are busier than they seem from beyond the counter. It's like a duck. You THINK it's just sitting in water, but it's paddling away so fervently that you'd think it's little legs can't possibly keep it afloat.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer gives an AMAZING treatment of Matthew 5-7 (Sermon on the Mount). Really, amazing. A new perspective on fixing my eyes on Jesus.

My commute is the reason why I came to San Francisco to live. I pass Golden Gate Park, UC Med Center, Haight Ashbury, Pacific Heights and the Presidio on my way to work. I see the Golden Gate bridge, Palace of Fine Arts, DeYoung and Downtown. I feel so lucky to live in the City.

Remember: BUY WALGREEN'S BRAND!

Cheesecake

As many know, i am VERY proud of my new york cheesecake. And I've been on a quest for the last two years to perfect that very cheesecake that I sought out to make (which turned out to be a failure) that first time. Those of you at 2520 College Ave. can attest to that. But alas, I think I may have found the crack-free perfection that I've been looking for.

Tips for cheesecake:
-you don't need to grind the graham cracker crust to a powder. The small chunks actually give the cheesecake texture.
-don't overbeat. This will introduce too much air into the cake and actually make it stiff. we don't want that, even though cakes are supposed to be airy.
-when baking, place a small bowl of water alongside it. This will prevent cracking, too.

People work in labs to find proteins, I'm working in a kitchen to find the perfect cheesecake.

Points of Future exploration:
Chocolate flavored graham cracker crust
fruit puree marbled cake
oreo cheesecake
chocolate mousse cheesecake
making glaze for the topping instead of fresh fruit (glaze with fresh fruit.. that sounds good, too)

Rosalyn is... SO SICK OF STUDYING

I'm excited about the summer.
Home, Boston, Work.

Not just regular ordinary work, REAL PHARMASYCIAN work. Fun stuff. I've decided to stay up here for the summer in case you didn't know already, but yup, I'll be working for Walgreens in the City. The cool thing is its only one busline away and so I'll have time in my morning and afternoon commute to read. (YAY!)

Here are some books that I want to read (finish) over the summer:
Cost of Discipleship
The Penelopiad - Margaret Atwood
Memoirs of a Geisha
The Four Loves - C.S. Lewis
Miracles - C.S. Lewis
Confessions - St. Augustine
The Great Divorce - C.S. Lewis

Not to mention at least one of Modern Library's Top 100 of the 20th Century.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Party Teaser

How YOU doin'?

i KNOW!

Could i BE wearin' anymore clothes?

Smelly cat, smmmmmmelly cat what are they feeding you?

are Ross and Rachel going to end up together?


Get ready.

Summer 2006

Burnout

I'm looking forward to the end of school. End of the school year, end of school, anything that will put an end to this madness.

yes THAT'S RIGHT. It's finals time and the monster has been awoken.

There's got to be a way to lessen the stress of finals. There's a balance between studying your hardest and needing time to yourself, and studying so hard that you're mean to everyone, never smiling and that vein popping out bigger than ever.

::sigh:: i wish this school were on semester system. :(

There was one morning this quarter, though that I felt like was a victory. I woke up in a panic needing to study, but halfway through the day, I thought, Jesus is my example. (you'd think i'd learn by now... obviously not.) There are things in the world that will kill you, take away your livelihood and separate you from everything good and pure. Studying is NOT one of them. Jesus never worried about what people thought of him, judgements that people passed about him or his worth. He knew that he was the Messiah, the Son of God, the One who would save us all and give us salvation. There was no worrying about what he came to do and the enormous pain that lay ahead. His prayers in the Garden of Gethsemane were productive in that whatever was to become of him, he would bring them all to the father instead of running away, trying to fix everything do damage control and have some major PR campaign. No, he prayed.

In desparate need of the Father.

Winery Reviews

A couple weeks ago, we went to Napa for my first winetasting experience. It's one of those romantic places where people propose. (according to websites :P). After scouring google and other internet search sites, we made 3 stops (mostly because they were cheap and serendipidously we covered a wide range of different types of wineries...SCORE!

Stop 1: Clos Du Val

This is a much smaller winery compared to the rest but the good thing is it has a picnic area where you can enjoy the sun. Also the swallows were nesting, so it added a nice touch to the country ambiance. We got free tasting with the purchase of wines, so I decided to get a couple small bottles.

The winery seems like it specialized in the Cabernet Sauvignon. Tasted mostly new wines, but I tended to like the lighter wines, with less tannins. If you get can, try to go on a weekday because it gets really crowded on the weekend.

Their website: www.closduval.com

Stop 2: Robert Mondavi

This is a beautiful winery. Best if photographed in the morning, but nevertheless, the winery grounds are very well kept and adds to the winetasting experience. Their wines here are very diverse and my favorite was the dessert wine. I forgot what it was called, but it tasted like alcoholic grape juice.

Tip for this one: each wine tasting is only that, it's a 2oz tasting of a single wine. If you want to taste more, you need to pay for more. Luckily, there are 2for1 coupons on the internet if you'd like to taste more.

Their Website: www.robertmondavi.com

Stop 3: Domaine Chandon

This winery was much more commercialized. It's nestled in hills and the parking lot was almost full of tour buses. This is definitely a date place with quiet secluded areas for that all nervous DTR. (and guys, if you like the girl and the girl likes you, you'll DEFINITELY score points with winetasting as the first date, but enjoy responsibly.)

This place specializes in sparkling wines, but you also have the choice of still wines. This winery, too, has 2for1 online discounts, you just have to look for it. Also, they have different tasting series in which you can choose.
Their website: www.domainechandon.com

More random pictures:
The bar at stop 3, Domaine Chandon
Vineyards at Clos du Val.
Greek influence/ambiance at Robert Mondavi.

Yay!

At the end of the race.  

Bison in San Francisco?

7.3mi, >100,000people, 15 butt sightings, 7 blisters...

BAY TO BREAKERS WAS SO FUN!

some high points:
-people were throwing tortillas at the start line. (random? perhaps, but kind of amusing)
-a herd of penguins, LOL
-salmon swimming against the stream of runners on the fork on 9th between hayes and larkin. well done salmon.
-gorging on San Tung noodles and dumplings with David, Lydia, Jeff and Lydia's Uncle.
-being able to run up the Hayes St. Hill, looking back and seeing swarms of people running to the same place.
-seeing the ocean as we approached mile 7, awesome.

Yeah bay to breakers was SO FUN. :)