The beach is fun. I have modified my schedule to go to the beach after work on tuesdays and thursdays and spend about an hour there. Someday during the summer I'm going to sit on the beach until sunset... those will be one of the days where i get off of work at like 7:00 and i sit there until sunset at 8:00.

odd... i went to workout on the machines at the gym today and i'm not sore.. maybe it's not challenging enough, but like my muscles hurt a LOT and it felt like i was straining when i was lifting... maybe not enough reps?
I just finished The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It's very good. I recommend it. What's next reading wise? to finish Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. It came highly recommended by our retreat speaker. So far, there are a lot of good practical application stuff and the reason why a certain discipline is "profitable" but prepare for some places where the writer is just not exercising good writing.
I should eventually start on that skirt i have the pattern and material for. it look spretty in the picture but we'll see how pretty it gets when i butcher the pattern. the joys of sewing. :)

I went to a church retreat this weekend. It was at pepperdine and i actually found the ocean. anyway, dr. walt russell was our speaker. he's a professor from talbot school of theology and the theme was empowered to overcome. he spoke on romans 6-8, i learned a lot and got to fellowship with the poeple who go to ucla and irvine and el co and it was a really cool time. to coherently put up what i learned is possible but it will be very long and drawn out... but here's a short version: I have victory and strength over sin because of the Resurrection Life that Jesus has experienced also sending the Holy Spirit to my soul that i might overcome the old habits i've gotten so used to as a twisted sinful human who has been redeemed by God's everlasting grace, mercy and love. does it make sense? if you have any questions, let me know and i'll try humbly and prayerfully to explain more, Lord willing.

hi people. i got a new cell phone number. if you ask nicely maybe i'll give it to you.

new pictures.
BEARISMS

if anyone knows how to keep goggles from fogging up and swim the butterfly stroke, let me know. Those are two things i'd like to know.

I love my dad. haahaa when i was really small i used to call him bah-bee. (sound that out and add a mandarin accent) He's in sweden now coming back tomorrow, but I love my dad. He's a good dad. And it's tough being in a house full of girls, but he still manages to get his lakers games in and play on the computer and play around with his toys. It helps when my sister or i like whatever he's doing like both of us like the lakers and basketball so we watch. i like photography so we get to play with gadgets and stuff together but my dad's on his own with his computer games with the exception of like solitaire or something. He's the decision maker of the household though my mom may sometimes seem, they have this interesting relationship that i haven't completely deciphered yet, but i dunno if i'll ever fully understand the dynamics of their relationship. They laugh at each other's jokes, they talk they like to do a lot of stuff. My dad likes to laugh so he tries to get my mom laughing. that's the hard part but when they're both laughing, it's cool. I love my dad, but i don't miss him as much when he goes on business trips because he goes on business trips a lot and he calls back or ims me a lot so that's cool. haahaa my dad called me a nerd one time because i got an optical mouse. i don't know how that constitutes me being a nerd but it was funny how my dad used the word "nerd." but i remember about 8 years ago or so... my parents took my sister and a bunch of other people on a short term mission to ensenada, mexico. I was too young to go i think i was going into the 6th grade.. yeah. It was for high schoolers and college students so i didn't get to go. And they left the saturday before father's day. That father's day, I was in the children's choir and i think i had a solo, but my dad wasn't there. i wanted him so much to be there and like when they were in mexico, they didn't call a lot because they didn't have access to a phone, but they did call once. I was staying at jonathan wu's house. His parents were taking care of me because i had a cold that week. But yeah I missed my dad a lot because he was supposed to hear me sing... but he was serving God and carrying out the great commission so i sorta understood. but when he got back i remember being at church and seeing one van pull into the parking lot. it wasn't my dad because he wasn't driving. but i remember someone ruffling my hair and saying, don't worry rosalyn he'll be back soon. so i waited and lo and behold the church fan the old gray/burgundy one pulled into the parking lot and it was my dad~! I almost ran into the car i was so excited. my mom and sister were there, too... but when my dad got out of the car i just ran and held on to him and cried and cried. I didn't wanna let go.. haahaa i was being such a child although i was a child... and he hugged me real tight and i felt so safe with him there. Yeah.. that's my dad. I love him a lot. I wonder what my reaction would be if I saw my Heavenly Father. Would my reaction be so joyful and at the point of tears? but yeah.. happy fathers day. :)

Confession is somethign i don't do enough of. Not the kind of shrift that you would to a catholic priest but this outpouring of whatever sins we're convicted of and the realization of these sins contrasted with the assurance that we're saved and we're no longer bound to sin, but it's the old life...I'm not going to confess my sins here. But it's so sad that there are times when i'm so desensitized that i'm not aware of whatever sin is in my life, but eventually i notice that something isn't right. that shouldn't be. Jesus says in matthew "therefore you are to be perfect just as your heavenly father is perfect." It is impossible but by the Holy Spirit. I guess a major prayer request is that I would be convicted of whatever sins are in my life though it shouldn't have power over my life... i dunno if that makes sense.

work is really fun. I'm really tired but i'm learning a LOT. like today for example I was in the lab from 9am-7pm. It's too much to type out so give me a call and i'll tell you about it.

Oh my goodness i'm tired. And we didn't really do anything in the lab today either. We implanted some testosterone and progresterone into our rats and had a meeting and that's about it. i dunno...i'm really tired though
yeah short blog...but i wanna sleep.

122 is NOT a number i am intimidated by.
Anyway, today was a fun day. It wasn't high stress at work because today was a meeting day. Basically there were speakers and presentations of people's projects of their research goals or what not. It's fun and I got to watch Dr. Lue the MD I'm working under take pictures of slides. Pretty basic and yet so complicated. Oh.. next week I'm going to a workshop to get acquainted with how to treat and handle mice properly. Work is cool i'm liking it.
And i'm liking korean bbq. It was nice, Kelie Jane and I got to eat dinner. We haven't hung out since January. I'm still getting used to the work schedule, though it's getting better.

oh i forgot. watch spy game.
MAJOR SUSPENSE.

Get this:
I wake up at 7:00 in the morning this morning. I NEVER wake up that early on saturday mornings. What for? Shoe Frenzy. This charity shoe event where designers like Kenneth Cole and Jimmy Choo donate their shoes to a women's clinic that sells these shoes from about 5-50 dollars. We got there at around 7:45. There were women lined up around the stinkin block. This block was about the size of memorial glade or la romeria park.. whichever is more familiar to you. Yeah.. and the women at the front, they were SOO getting feisty. They were all yelling at each other... it was kind of funny/sad. 3000 pairs of shoes and like a lot of women.. it's like that Friends episode, the one where monica is buying her wedding dress. Vicious. Dude, some of the women at the front of theline got there at 3:00. Only in Los Angeles will women camp out for some cheap pairs of designer shoes that aren't even that cute. Why in the world did I go? It's the experience that counts. Not everyone stands in line full of anxious women wanting a pair of shoes everyday. but anyway, i went back to bed after we got back and i woke up at 2:00

I came online to blog, but forgot for a while and ended up playing minesweeper for about 5 min. How sad. That is a stupid game.
Anyway...
Today, while wandering around Torrance I decided to drive by the old Bread of Life Church facilities. Expecting the familiar Sanctuary and the increasingly steep driveway and the white sliding, child-proof gate, I met with a large gaping hole in the skyline instead. I can't believe a church that I got baptized in, the church that I grew up in is now torn down to make way for some duplexes that have no grass or yards. I inched by what was my second home on 22525 Kent street and thought about all the memories that had been torn down with the church building. I remember practicing guitar lazy sunday afternoons and friday nights before fellowship from 8th grade all the way to august of last year. Out of tune and out of sync, I didn't care, but I loved to worship and loved to play. I remember that dome made of steel rods arranged in triangles. After sunday school every sunday we'd all play in the sandbox right behind the old fellowship hall, until we outgrew the jungle gym that gave us splinters. I remember eating lunch in the stairwell in the back of the Glory hall making sketches of pretty asian girls or talking about who's cute at church. Haahaa I remember getting mad at Enoch because he violated my "space" under the bridge connecting the old building and the glory hall. I don't exactly know why though... i remember him offering me a piece of gum or something. I remember standing on that bridge with friends...staring out to the mormon temple next door and "pondering the meaning of life." or people watching as everyone filed out of the sanctuary into the courtyard. I remember going into the choir room and putting on those little white gowns with the light blue satin collars for children's choir. Haahaa, I had the loudest (not necessarily the most in tune) voice...and between singing in the Cantonese and Mandarin services we'd all trek down 226th. St. to 7/11 to get snacks. I remember bringing my sleeping back and pillow and bags and piling it on everyone else's either in the courtyard or outside of the glory hall the sunday before YSC and forming a line packing the bus and waving at everyone as we pulled out of the parking lot. This is a place where the Spirit's presence was felt, where Jesus was the reigning King and where God was glorified. I know the building has no significance but when 2 or more are gathered in His name, he will be there, also. In these buildings, it started out with just a couple, then it grew to 1 congregation and then to 2, then 3 where now it's about 700 strong and growing. It's amazing what those walls held. Use and Abuse, yes, but more importantly it Housed God's children. Those who love to worship Him and those who just love Him with all their soul, mind and strength. I'm going to miss this home and it will be different coming home from now on, but not dwelling in the past... God has a LOT in store for this church in the next 35 years of its existence. :)

i saw two really good movies today: Amadeus and An Affair to Remember. Amadeus was good solely because of the music. Mozart's music is beautiful and he's my favorite composer. Some of his work is simple yet conveys volumes of emotion and images. Some of his work is just beautiful, the expressiveness of it all. Those two past sentences are pretty much saying the same thing. Yeah i'm going to get the sountrack. I didn't think i'd like an affair to remember because it's romance and i think romance is cheesy. But this movie didn't get me into that mood. But it did speak to my almost non existent romantic side. Like dancing, I want to learn how to dance like people danced back then, not the dancing now, ugh. Dude, carey grant was charming. i think all girls think that.. and WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, i'm a girl. Just the fact that they can carry on a conversation without saying a thing amazes me. My parents can do that, too. It's like my dad knows my mom so well that he knows what's going through his mind and when she's going to call. It's the same with my mom, too. When my dad's on a business trip, she always knows when to expect his calls. Maybe 'cause he's been working there for years and has been going on business trips for years. But yeah... the cutest thing about the movie is how they had a song and they danced unlike how couples dance now.
Haahaa, i looked at my baby album today. It's so funny, when i was a baby, every picture i had my mouth wide open. Like in a little O. Either that or i was trying to bite my toe. I totally remember that, too. I have this memory of sitting on our brown couch in our old house in harbor city. the living room had the couch against the wall which was connected to the small breakfast nook/dining room and i could see the dinner table and chair. it was after my bath that I was sitting on the couch facing the sliding door to the backyard. dinner table was at about 2 o'clock and the coffee table was directly to my left and the armchair was at about 10 oclock to me. but i remember sitting there and then grabbing my foot and bringing it to my mouth and starting to chew on it. maybe i was teething back then or somethin... but yeah, there's your embarassing "oh i didn't know that about roz" story of the day.

a spider died in my favorite candle. :(
Picture link at the bottom of the page in case it goes away or something.

Praise the LORD oh, my soul. He has blessed me with going to such a good school and suriviving my freshman year with flying colors. :)

Yosemite.
My first reaction when I woke up when we were driving to the valley was, "Oh my goodness." It was that beautiful. The jaw just kind of dropped. This was the perfect time to go because the Memorial day rush is over and there's still a lot of water coming out of those waterfalls. I first saw Half Dome, and then El Capitan then Yosemite falls, one of the tallest waterfalls in the world, comparable to Angel Falls, THE tallest waterfalls in the world in South America. (Don't ask me how I know this. I know lots of meaningless trivia that takes me nowhere in the world.) It's so pretty. Then we saw Bridal Veil falls. The reason why it's called that is because it's supposed to look like a Bride's veil, hence the name. Yeah, going to Yosemite totally humbled me. Because you're standing in a valley and there are essentially walls of granite thousands of feet high and you feel so little. it's quite amazing. I love it. And about soothing water, there were rivers and meadows with little rivulets, quite relaxing. I've had BAD experiences with boats, but I find bodies of water VERY VERY soothing. On our second full day we drove up to the High Country to Tioga Pass, Tuolome Meadows and some other places. Unfortunately the wild flowers don't bloom until about July so we didn't see too many flowers, but the grass was green and growing. Last time we were at Tuolome Meadows, my sister had a bunch of leeches on her skin. No leeches this time! In fact, it was really cool, there was still snow on the ground, and it wasn't gross dirty snow. There was acutally a guy who busted out his skis. When the sun was low in the sky, we went to Bridal veil falls again and saw the most amazing rainbow. It was totally clear at the base of the waterfall and quite beautiful. We also went to a bridge and took a picture of half dome at sunset. The picture is linked to this page. We stayed in a tent cabin, it's a canvas tent cabin, i don't rightly know how to explain it but it was fun, except for the mosquitoes. I don't know why but i think mosquitoes like my blood. I think it's somehting about my body temperature being higher than the average human. must be why i'm like my miniature schnauzer. her body temperature's pretty high, 'cause she's kind of high strung and jittery and she gets a lot of bites too. Anyway, that's a lot of personal information. On the second full day we hiked up to the top of Vernal falls. It's called the misty trail for a reason. It should be called the rain trial because it seriously felt like it was raining. Not mist rain, like drops of water rain. It was really fun though, but not good for a sick person, though it was fun. My mom made me bundle up 'cause i'm getting over a cold. When we got to the top, man, the Emerald pool is supposed to be this calm pool people can swim in and there's supposed to be solid rock where the river flows in like a slide, but my goodness, it was raging torrents... my dad got a clip of that it's on a cd somewhere. There was so much water. All the waterfalls looked full, not those dinky kiddie waterfalls that look like dripping showers, these were awesome waterfalls. They were jump off and die type of waterfalls. Sorry for the morbid description but that's what they were like. On the last day, my favorite day was when we went to Sentinel Dome. You hike about a mile up to an altitude of about 8,000 feet. it's this dome, it actually looks like a dome with random shaped rocks and a dead tree. But what's so amazing about it is the view. A 360 degree view of all of Yosemite. You can see EVERYTHING from there. I took one of those multiple shot panorama pictures. I'm going to get it printed on photo paper and frame it. The view is just awesome. It was so cool. I stood on a rock put my hands up in the air and just screamed. Absolute exhilaration, let me tell you. I did it for my roomate, Rocio who always wanted to do that but never got a chance. My dad actually took a picture of it. When you're up there, you meet with the God of Wonders. In everything you see His creation unpolluted and you realize what it meant when He proclaimed it Good. You feel the wind, your heart is pounding, there's this fear of God in you knowing that this can be your death or your life. When men don't worship the Almighty, the Rocks cry out and proclaim His glory and it's totally true.
Soli Deo Gloria. :)

I have some Yosemite Pictures Up.
HERE

ah! it's june 1st right now. WEEIRD.

there's a LOT of stuff going on in my mind right now, some of it too random to write down, some too personal. So i'll just start with the car. Our family got a new car and I got to drive about 100 miles on the way down from yosemite. My goodness, my mother is a backseat driver and my dad was clamping on to the arm handle thingy. i don't drive THAT crazy. There was a lot of cruse control setting and resuming 'cause we were trying to dodge trucks, busses, crazy drivers, sports cars. There was a heck of a lot of traffic on the 99 on a thursday night.. kind of weird.
being at home. It feels so good. I love home, i love my family and i love my friends. But for a while during fellowship, i felt like i've never been in such a foreign place, it was really hard to focus and to worship. This is my home, it shouldn't be so.
There are certain things i want to accomplish this summer. I'm going to start with the superficial stuff:
I want to cook more.
make a skirt
swim 3 times a week. hopefully my parents will let me join the ymca where they have a good size pool to actually swim in.
learn something from the lab
go to the beach in the morning before work to do my quiet time (this one's a tough one)
fellowship and serve at home
to continue to live daily loving, needing, wanting God's presence more
This time is precious and what God has blessed me in the past, i haven't been as good a steward as i wanted to be. this summer/next year, I want to focus on things of more eternal value.
that's it for tonight. i will eventually get the pictures up and talk about yosemite more.

Just got back from Yosemite. Awesome, spectacular, marvelous, beautiful. Man, God is a cool Creator. Have pictures. It's so good to be home.
(no spewage today. i'm a bit tired.)

Theraflu sucks. It tastes bad and it's just powdered tylenol. Don't take theraflu unless you have a fever. My reasoning: I was feeling fine and I wanted to take some theraflu for my congestion. At 5:00 in the morning, something happened and so today I'm not feeling very well. This morning I wake up feeling very very weak. I want to see Episode II today so I'm resting up. Stupid theraflu.

i'm so confused.

Which of the Disney Princesses are you?

Haahaa, this is amusing.

I'm going to the restroom like every half an hour. It's the water, drinking a lot of water. That's good right?

Yesterday we (Christina, Hannah, Renee and I) went to San Fransisco. Man that was fun. We bumped into a lot of people. Christine Jung in the BART, Melanie and Melissa while shopping, Susanna Fong and Christina's Aunt in the BART on the way back. It was really fun. I drank a lot of water. I got a build-a-bear. It's name is Zoe and I gave it a heart. Don't ask me if it's a boy bear of a girl bear because I don't know. It's a girl's name but it's dressed like a buy although a hawaiian shirt and boardshorts and a bucket hat is exactly what I'd wear, and Zoe could be a boy's name, a very feminine boy's name. But when we got back I had a temperature, 99.5 which isn't too bad, but I started chugging water like crazy and it eventually went down to 99.2 and now i'm at 98.6, perfection. Haahaa, just gotta take it easy today. It's fun. I'm packing today.

according to my chem gsi, everyone bombed the chem final. so.. a curve will be set. had my last final today. i can't feel anything regarding the test because my throat hurts. and i wanted to get out as quickly as possible.

The final today was hard.
Just math left tomorrow and my freshman year is over.
Where has the time gone?

my favorite secular song
"When you feel all alone, and the world has turned its back on you.
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart.
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold.
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call, if you jump i'll break your fall
lift you up and fly away with you into the night
if you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
if you need to crash then crash and burn
you're not alone."
-Crash and burn (Savage Garden)

My Chem final is in 17 hours. I love God and God loves me no matter what kind of grades I get. That is such a comforting thought. It is a blessing to just be here at Berkeley among the cream of the crop learning.

my final is in 12 hours. kind of stressing even though i shouldn't be. God is my peace. Jesus is my peace, my strength when i am weak, the treasure that I seek, Jesus is my all in all.

Rosalyn,
That is wonderful. We look for ward to having you work with us as a student volunteer this summer. I will ask one of our administrative people contact you about paper work. See you on or before June 10th
Ronald S. Swerdloff, M.D.
Harbor-UCLA Medical Center
Professor of Medicine
Chief Division of Endocrinology
1000 W. Carson St. Box 446.
Torrance, CA 90502
Phone: (310) 222-1867
Fax: (310) 533-0627
E-mail: swerdloff@gcrc.rei.edu

excitement is exploding out of me. PRAISE GOD!!! :)

I'm listening to the Something Like Silas CDs and they're really good. Really encouraging and it's what my heart feels, you know? In the last 2 days i've been at the library for 11 hours. Well, that's better than being at the library for 11 hours in one day. Man, I'm so ansy for finals to go away. I still have a chance to get good grades in math and chem so I kind of want to try, but I know that if i kind of slack, I don't have to worry TOO much... it's all a matter of how much I want to get those 2 A's. But I don't want to slack.
I've been thinking a lot about this being the end of the year. I'm wondering how much I've changed. How much of it is good change, how much of it is God changing me. One superficial change is I've gained weight. A friend told me that sometimes the change is so small you don't notice. Wouldn't a change be more apparent if I compared myself to who I was at the beginning of the year?
Going swimming after one wakes up is fun. That's what I did today and I went to the library refreshed.

Love ofGod whose life enduring
shepherd of His flock astray,
Provider of a heart so yearning
May you be all hope and stay
You are the air i breathe
you are the food i eat
you are the water i drink
you God are all that i need
Faithful keeper of his children
never turning from our prayers
even when doubts and fears about us
still, your sweet life in us bears
Alleluia
Praise to You almighty Father,
Praise and honor God Most High
May my life be made an offering
Only lived to glorify.
-Air I breathe Something like Silas

Have a lot to say but have a 2 page chem paper due tomorrow. maybe i'll write more when it's done.
or maybe i could be so bold as to have a nice good deep conversation with someone. It's nice to have those.

I'm a freshman. The year is 2002. I won't be applying to Pharmacy School until my senior year which is 2004. I still have a stinkin 2.5 years until I have to worry and yet i'm finding myself looking at the UCSD, UCSF and USC pharmacy school websites regularly. Am i just obsessive? For a while during first semester I considered Medical School, but that kind of fell through like after a week. Who do I want to go to pharmacy school? I heard a guy talk about pharmacy and I thought it was cool. And like I want to make people well, but not be a doctor. Man being a doctor must be tough. First there's the cat-fight pre-med undergrad odyssey, and then the MCATs and just getting into Med School. Then I hear about all this stressful stuff about not being able to relax for the rest of your life pretty much. And those residencies...man, no sleep for a very long time. I admire anyone who is in Med School. But working at the pharmacy as a clerk last semester, I came across a lot of Med students, residents and doctors. To be honest some of them were conceited and thought I was nothing. They just thought I was some peon who takes in perscriptions. They're Doctors. They should care and at least be polite, not just ACT polite to their patients and be all like that to other people. My sister said med school breeds conceit. So it makes me wonder how come there are so many pre-meds that I encounter? Is it really true that these people want to become doctors. Is it really true that these people want to prevent, treat and raise awareness of health issues in the world? That's what I want to do. That's what I feel that God wants me to do. You see last summer at the pharmacy, too many of the doctors prescribed too much medication to their patients without giving much thought to their treatment history. 1 medication for asthma, one for their blood pressure, maybe a couple for the heart, on and add in antibiotics for their bronchitus. That's 5 prescriptions in 1 sitting. That's too much. For those of you who are doctors or going to med school or aspiring to go to med school, promise me two things. When you are in med school or a doctor, don't be conceited. Humility should be an outstanding trait of Christians which also applies to Christian doctors if you are one. Also pay attention to the patient's medical history. You don't want to start a public health nightmare and create strains of sicknesses that are immune certain medicines. I'd rather be out of a job because there are enough medicines out there already than be stressed out in trying to find a new medication for pneumonia.
A praise is that i'm really convicted to go to Pharmacy School. I'm not sure what comes after Pharmacy School but God I know is going to use my degree is some way to serve Him.
Just pray that I wouldn't get too obsessed over it. There aren't any tests that I have to study for like the MCATs, but there are certaint prerequisites. So just pray for perspective and I guess the endurance... i'm so procrastinating right now for finals studying...But anyway, yeah there, that's my spewage for today.

keep forgetting: I have pictures from praise dinner, but they're not like pictures, they're like on the computer so if you'd like to see them just let me know. :)
Yeah so Christina and I are talking about what to do with our apt, dude, i'm so excited. It's gonna be real in like less than a month! DUUUUUUDE.
Today it was really cool. In music we had this concert thing where everyone brought in their own stuff and played it. Some people did written stuff. Kim, Gloria and I did Beauty and the Beast. That was fun. There was this jazz band, that was swingin. There was this guy who wrote his own song, but it was about death, kind of morbid. THere were these 2 people who wrote their song like 15 min before they performed it, and they played it really well. It was sooooo cool. The really cool thing was that there were these three people who sang Because He Lives fast instead of the slow hymn style. They had the harmonies, the rhythm, the riffs and the piano all down. It was really cool and really encouraging. :)

Praise the LORD, there are options open for the summer.
1. I can either take summer school and get a pre-pharmacy prerequisite done
2. Or volunteer in a lab doing cell cultures and possible helping to write a paper.
This needs prayer. I need to tell my mom by Friday.
It's true I am stressed...
I'm at VLSB (Valley Life Sciences Building) in the Koshland Biosciences Library studying. I will be there in the afternoons and possibly all day until finals. If anyone would like to join me, by all means... but only come if you're going to study. (2nd floor of the study room all the way at the end.)

I can feel the stress coming up. Finals are coming soon and I've sort of started studying. I've made myself a study schedule...but I'm so tired of studying. Irratibility is apparent and I'm tense. GR. Psalm 36:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God."
During these times, it's a struggle for me to trust that God is in control of all things because I've been conditioned that if I study a lot, I will do well. How much of it is God's sovereign plan? How much of it is God's work? Where do I draw the line from what I do and what God does? How do I approach something like this? How much do I have to study before it becomes an obsession and addiction? Is it before I start stressing (too late)? Is it until I fell I understand everything? Is it not at all?
stress level from a scale of 1-10: 6

I took a spiritual gifts inventory today. This is what it said i scored the highest on:
Serving
Music
Healing
Mercy
Helps
There's the top five.
go to www.cforc.com for it. 110 questions

sorry, i got freud's quote wrong. this was, according to freud, a generalization that can lead to something dangerous. i'm not sure, but yeah sorry, took it out of context.

i don't want what happened this semester to happen next semester. you see, i need both bio and chem... taking bio in the morning on thurs, so that means i need to take chem lab on tues afternoon... 'cause the lab for bio ends at 12:30 and lab for chem starts at 12, so can't take chem lab on thursday, but the thing is, the lab is filled on tues. OR, i could just skip every friday of psych class, but that's just really bad. so we won't do that. OR bio class can get out .5 hours early and i don't eat lunch and fry my brain on thursdays, but that's kind of bad, too. SOOOO... i'm going to just pray and Trust God about Chem and the tuesday lab because it's all in his hands. I can't do anything. Sound like a plan?

Praise Dinner is tomorrow. Excitement flows out of me. You don't see it, but it's there. :)

Interesting quote from Sigmund Freud's Civilization and It's Discontents
"It is impossile to escape the impression that people commonly use false standards of measurement--that they seek power, success and wealth for themselves and admire them in others, and that they underestimate what is of true value in life."

I was thinking a lot today about sleep. How much I sleep. i need a lot of sleep and when roz doesn't get a lot of sleep, roz doesn't function well. She acts stupider than she already is. and i realized how much i need sleep compared to how much I need God. God should be my rest and my source of strength not the fact that i need 8 hours of sleep every night. Granted, it would be nice...Of course thsi doens't give me a reason to pull all nighters, but it also doesn't give me a reason to skip my quiet time to sleep. Thinking a lot about what i give weight to in my life compared to how much i give weight to the Master of my life. I'm taking Him for granted and it shouldn't be the case.
"And he humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of God." Deuteronomy 8:3

Today during skit practice... i'm wondering how much people notice about me. I have this personal space thing. Like I dunno, i get kind of, squirmy when someone is closer than.. well when someone is touching me with more than a finger. I'm a bit claustrophobic and really really ticklish, and like i dunno, it's the personal bubble space thing.

yeah so i don't know if i can work at the city of hope thing anymore. it's a long story, i'm not sure i want to explain it. But God i know is teaching me...
"Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of th ekingdom of God, who shall not recieve many times as much at this time and in the age to come, eternal life." -Jesus (Mark 18:29-30)

weirdness: at 9:00 this morning.. two men knock on our door and yell maintenance!! i wake up, open the door and they walk in and take pictures and talk about repainting the closets/drawers and wathever. they say thank you and they walk out. weird.

ok one more thing. :) shoot i forgot what i was gonna say... ::sigh:: if it's important it'll come up later.

just one more thing before i get off the computer.
i just got 2 something like silas cds. they're a christian band. they're very good.
My mom isn't not keen on me working at the city of hope. she was just concerned about the distance from home. :)

ok... i dunno if i am a nerd a lot. here are potential habits that might classify me as a nerd. my windows xp icon are chess pieces. i have named my computer nigel, i like ready for pleasure, i like to study when there's nothing else to do and no one to talk to.

here's stuff that wouldn't make me a nerd. when i'm at my computer, i'd rather play minesweeper than study (pathetic), i, personally like to see the sun once in a while. people are nice to see, too sometimes. but man, i gotta turn up the nerd mode next week until finals. ack.

nerd also nurd Pronunciation Key (nûrd)
n. Slang
A foolish, inept, or unattractive person.
A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.

[Perhaps after Nerd, a character in If I Ran the Zoo, by Theodor Seuss Geisel.]
nerdy adj.
Word History: The word nerd, undefined but illustrated, first appeared in 1950 in Dr. Seuss's If I Ran the Zoo: “And then, just to show them, I'll sail to Ka-Troo And Bring Back an It-Kutch a Preep and a Proo A Nerkle a Nerd and a Seersucker, too!” (The nerd is a small humanoid creature looking comically angry, like a thin, cross Chester A. Arthur.) Nerd next appears, with a gloss, in the February 10, 1957, issue of the Glasgow, Scotland, Sunday Mail in a regular column entitled “ABC for SQUARES”: “Nerda square, any explanation needed?” Many of the terms defined in this “ABC” are unmistakable Americanisms, such as hep, ick, and jazzy, as is the gloss “square,” the current meaning of nerd. The third appearance of nerd in print is back in the United States in 1970 in Current Slang: “Nurd [sic], someone with objectionable habits or traits.... An uninteresting person, a ‘dud.’” Authorities disagree on whether the two nerdsDr. Seuss's small creature and the teenage slang term in the Glasgow Sunday Mailare the same word. Some experts claim there is no semantic connection and the identity of the words is fortuitous. Others maintain that Dr. Seuss is the true originator of nerd and that the word nerd (“comically unpleasant creature”) was picked up by the five- and six-year-olds of 1950 and passed on to their older siblings, who by 1957, as teenagers, had restricted and specified the meaning to the most comically obnoxious creature of their own class, a “square.”
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Look! Dr. Seuss made up the word nerd! he's cool. :)

Apparently my mom thought I would get paid, so when I told her about this volunteer thing, she wasn't too keen on me working there. She wanted me to get paid. We'll see. I'll talk to other investigators, but I'm not sure how it's gonna work out. We'll see. :P

Look at the time. My midterm is in 45 minutes. I'm at Moffit supposedly studying, but I feel as though I've studied enough for this midterm. God is good. I mean he's always Good, but yeah. I got a lower score than i expected on my math midterm. Sure, i was a little disappointed because i studied so much, but i was weirdly relaxed because the pressure is off me to get an A now, but then i find out that it was graded wrong and i got a higher score after the regrade. Oh Lord, please let me not worry or whatever. I've studied enough for this chem midterm and I'm leaving it in the Lord's hands. I think I've learned a lot and understand the concepts pretty well, so we'll see. No matter what, i know that i've studied and not slacked. I mean if i get a bad score, it's not that it's not my fault, but i knwo that there's something to be learned and something to be thankful about you know?
So yeah about the summer thing, God IS good because Dr. Fong Fong Chu (it's cool that we have the same last name) offered to give me a volunteer position in her lab. I think i'm going to be working with inflammatory bowel symdrom with mice and somehow relating that to an antioxidant enzyme that either helps or hinders cancer. CANCER RESEARCH. I remember aspiring to do that when i was younger. Excitement is flowing out of me. :) I expected to be paid 'cause the application and the program website said i would, but i don't think it's an issue anymore because i'm a freshman without any previous lab experience and this is a really good opportunity for me to learn you know? So anyone have any objections to me accepting this position? and it's CANCER RESEARCH. Doesn't that just sound so cool?
Classes I'm taking next semester:
Chem 112A Ochem
Biology 1A
Music 25A Music Theory
Psych 2 General Psychology.
Fun stuff, eh?

Midterm thursday. After thursday until may 1, PLAYTIME.
anyone wanna play with me?

praise the LORD oh my soul...
:)

Minesweeper is one of those games that have no point or purpose at all but just to be there for people to play. Come to think of it, it's a very very very morbid premise for a game. Look for mines but don't get killed. Real people do that and they get killed. I saw this photo exhibit where there were mine fields and people were there in wheel chairs.

people in this world are sick.

does anyone wanna see Mark Chew with an EAR RING?!

This is what we talked about in philosophy today: If God is an omnipotent, all loving God, then why does he allow innocent children to be tortured and suffer? Why does the stuff like the halocaust or slaver and lynchings in the U.S. happen? I thought I had an answer, but i don't know, my answer was It's all in God's will and though I don't understand now, God's will is sovereign and it'll all work to his glory. The fact that I am no longer satisfied with that answer scares me. I want more.

today is such a beautiful day. ugh.. chem lab in lieu of a beautiful day is not fun. ugh. On these days, i'd either want to go outside and play, go on a boat in the sf bay and enjoy the view and the wind and the water or go swimming... sucks to my chem lab. but the sun shines in from my window facing west so God provides me with enough sun and vitamin d. :)

my brain just woke up. i woke up about an hour ago. that's sort of an interesting concept if you think about it.
these days have been beautiful days.

I got a camera teehee. :) Got to figure out how to put pictures on a website. maybe i should just make a website of my own. but then all of this would be gone.. GONE!!

I had a nightmare yesterday:
I'm terminally sick and I go to my pediatrician. The treatment is that I get shot in the back of the head. So the procedure goes like this.. i lean back and i see this painting.. it's a painting hanging in the hallway next to the family room at home. I'm shot at point blank range and i hear it. A split second of intense pain and i feel everything draining out of me and now my vision is faded and only see muted colors. i'm sort of in a daze. Time passes and we go to a familiar restaurant with my family. We have to move tables and I have to help but i'm afraid of the blood draining from the back of my head. You see, i'm slowly dying. the bullet is lodged under my brain whenever i go through any physical exertion, blood and life drains out from the back of my head. we sit at a T shaped table and it's being said that the treatment is not working and I have to go in again. I hear the dr saying, if it doesn't work, we're gonna have to do it again until it does. so my next treatment is that i get shot in the heart.
I remember having the dream until i get shot in the head before yesterday. I don't know... do i fear death?
i'm feeling really insufficient. I don't know how God is using me. Well maybe it be a good thing that I don't know because if i do know how God has used me, i could translate that into pride and that's just beign stupid and prideful and seeking worth on my part. but then, it would be nice to see the fruit of the spirit, well that's like a personal thing... nevermind. Like, i guess what I'm trying to say is that, with the gifts that God has given me, how do I know if what I'm doing is really glorifying God you know what i mean? 'cause i believe that God has given me the gift of mercy. It's still not at all clear what this means and people have just said i think you have the gift of mercy. Byron says counseling but when i talk to my friends, it feels like the only thing i can do is pray and listen. i'm not wise to give good advice it feels like i can't say anything to comfort them except to pray and to listen. I don't know, just some thoughts.

I'm sitting here marinating in chlorine.. man. Today is such a beautiful day. The sun is shining the sky is blue and it's such a beautiful day. The temperature's just right also. It's such a beautiful day. :) These days makes me so happy.. a bounce in my walk.. the motivation to go outside and read instead of staying inside and working on a lab report. Man we spend 4 hours in a lab already.. mommy, can i go outside and play? No, roz, you need to stay inside and work on your lab report. Oh well.. at least i got some sun swimming.
I love my sister. Her name is Pauline. UCLA c/o 2000. She's 23 and five years older than me. She works for the UCLA Anderson School of Business. She's a beautiful person inside and out. It's such a foreign thought for me to call her Pauline. I was born and raised calling her Jeh jeh which is older sister in mandarin. And I look up to her a lot. She's done so much stuff for me and I don't exactly know what to do to love her back you know what I mean? I really appreciate all the stuff she's taught me like to be more open and more agressive and cleaner, teehee. :) I think she knows me pretty well and everytime I go home, I wish we can spend more time together. When she suggested that we get an apt together when I'm home for the summer I was like.. WOW that's gonna be SOOOOO cool. :) But then again she works at UCLA, the traffic's bad ALL the time. I don't know all her ministries, but I know she has a heart to serve. Just seeing her with my little cousins, especially Joy. She really loves Joy and I can tell she wants the best for her.. it's so cool. Haahaa, I didn't understand why my mother kept commenting on how much my sister and I sound alike until I called home yesterday and listened to my sister on the message machine. For a while I thought.. wait a min, i didn't record on the answering machine but it was my sister. WEIRD, huh? Except my sister doesn't whine as much and she's a lot more mature than I am. I'm still 12. :)

This week has gone by pretty fast. My week has ended and I am now officially on the weekend. Fun stuff.

Prayer request:
There is this job at the city of hope that i really really really want. went to visit the facilities on friday and i loved it. the environment is peaceful, people are generally very very nice and i like the environment a lot. If this is what God wants me to do, let the door open for me to walk through. if it's something he doesn't want me to do, then please change my heart. make it ever true. make it want to do God's will.

this is such a struggle to work on a paper when all i can think about is going home and being at home, comfortable and safe. There's that general trend. Everytime I go home, and I come back, I'm so homesick.

what day is it today?
Here I am.. once again. it's too early in the morning to put something understandable here so here's my best shot. if the internet was taken away from me would i be sad? no, because then i can go and make friends in the real world. form real relationships with real peopel rather than staring blankly at a 2 dimensional screen. if all my belongings were taken away from me would i be sad? if they were given to someone who needs it. if they weren't.. i guess not. because it's a chance for me to live simply. to fully and completely rely on the Almighty to be my provider. If my mental capacity were taken away from me would i be sad? i think i would be, but it has been a source of pride and sin in my life. like the Bible says, if it causes you to stumble, gauge it out, cut it off. am i willing to do that with what i have now? you know...someone brought up something really good at school. on the way out of class we were talking about taking up our cross and our roles as Christians on the campus and this is what he said. If we were members of the early church we would probably be lukewarm. what is lukewarm to God? and this guy is ON FIRE for Christ. ANd come to think of it... those in the early church Worshipped God with all their soul all their mind all their might and it kind of bothers me that we don't have this absolute surrender to Christ. Should we be put through the same persecution, to be killed and mutilated for our faith? THat's the kind of sacrifice that the early church made and God blessed them so much and see now Christianity what kind of influence it has on earth. How many people are worshipping God... how many brothners and sisters we have. To be honest, i have no idea what it means to take up my cross daily and follow Jesus.
aiya i'm sorry so long winded. you know.. all of this has flowed from my mind to my fingers and it's all come out... i wonder if i had said these things to someone or been able to put these into words in my mouth, if it would be any different. it wouldn't be more understandable.
"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You"
I learned that worrying is sinning.
I'm damned to hell because I worry, but because God loves me and because of the redemptive power of Jesus Sacrifice and atonement for my and a lot of other people's sins, I am free from worry. though i do what i don't want to do and don't do what i want to do.. nevertheless.. i'm free from what i don't want to do and it's just my earthly sinful flesh doing what i don't want to do. so God, almighty Father, change me, mold me and make me into your vessel to be filled with your Spirit, going out and being a quality vessel doing your work.

I'm home now and I thank God for home. Just being able to see familiar faces and be home and sleep with my blanky on my bed. My cousins are here. Their names are Grace, Joy and Charity. They're amazingly cute. Grace is just friendly to everyone and she's so happy and she understands so much. Joy is a crafty little girl who looks just like me when I was three. It's kind of scary but she's a smarty pants. Then there's charity who's only 1. I make this popping sound with my lips and she copies me and she smiles and laughs. She's so cute. Yup. THey're 5,3 and 1. And they're living at my house till tomorrow when they'll move into a new apt. But it was so nice to be home with my mom and my dad came home from the business trip today and yeah. Dude, i have a lot to do this week. There's the crosstitching. I'm going to the concert with Nina. I'm so excited. Never seen Delirious or Matt Redman but their songs are really convicting. On Sunday is a big thing. It's my birthday and it's so hard to imagine that people would remember my birthday. It's such a blessing to be loved. I keep wondering what can i do to love them back. Going to visit Terry at Cal Tech sometime during the week. Oh and i gotta visit the city of hope, too. Also, i'm gonna go what am i gonna do. oh visit westwood. on yeah and crosstitch.
And the new building. It's crazy. I'm sad that the old building with all its memories stories and everything i learned from there is now taken away from me, but this new building is amazing. Our church, we were given the Kent Avenue property. It was a gift from God and we used it well to His glory. Now he's blessed us with this amazing complex and it is truly amazing. Let's see where we can go with this. :) But something that makes me sad is now i'll be more of a visitor. It's not like it was last thanksgiving when i came home i came Home. The new church i haven't gotten used to the fact that it's now the place of my home church you know what i mean? But we'll see what God does. He always has amazing plans for everyone and i'm really excited to see how He's going to grow his body in this new church.

EXCITEMENT!! EXCITEMENT!! I GET TO GO HOME ON FRIDAY!!!! I GET TO GO HOME ON FRIDAY!!! EXCITEMENT EXCITEMENT EXCITEMENT!!! :)

We gonna move in with Myun Hwa just to clarify some things. So summary: Myun Hwa, Christina me, living in an apartment on Blake next year. make good sense? :)

we got an apt. teehee. :)

kind of tired. been studying all day. chem is a bit discouraging. i have no idea how to use this equation. sigh.
yesterday was a good day though. i liked stuff that happened yesterday.

oh i forgot.. CONGRATULATIONS CONNIE!!! God is good.. all the time. :)

I'm so excited, my uncle and his daughters are home to visit. Grace, Joy and Chastity are so amazingly cute. I get to play with them allllll week. But the sucky thing is, I have to leave the house. But it's for a good reason and I'm excited about it, too. I'm going to visit the city of Hope, the beckman research institute and you get to do research. I'm very excited about this position and hoping i'm going to get it because i'd love to do any research that has to do with cancer or immunology or health or anything. It's going to be soooo cool. What else, oh, i applied for this thing called FLARE. something lates allergy research and education. basically latex allergy and asthma research in long beach. my parents are faxing in my resume. big prayer request. but i'm a freshman. can't really expect much because i'm a freshman you know? so.. i'm REALLY hoping to get into the Beckman research institute. But yeah.. it depends on what God wants me to do this summer. He opens doors and closes them. SPeaking of which.. i locked myself out today haahaa. anyway, yeah.
"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple." Luke 14:26-27
Daily Surrendering, Daily counting the cost, Daily Sacrifice.

There are a number of options available for apartments. Myun Hwa asked us if we wanted to live with her. We were really excited about that. Gotta pray about it and visit her apt and stuff. I found this other place on channng and fulton. but i don't know if it's available now or what. met with renee today. it was nice. Renee is a cool big sib. kind of tired right now. but only had 4 hours of class today. i should do some reading, and take a shower today.. yesyes. showers are always good.

just spent the afternoon walking around berkeley looking at apartment buildings. i figure, if the people take good care of the building, the inside should be nice, too. i dunno. maybe they're all the same. also wanted to look whether or not the building has balconies or windows. i can't have just 1 window. it's a bit stifling... maybe i'm claustrophobic. there are certain buildings that i like better than others. they are the nicer ones. well the ones i think are nice. how many buildings do i have down as acceptable? 49. On average, maybe 30 units per apartment. maybe 10 in each are 1 bedroom? that's 490 possible? That's really good. lets see divide that by like 5, 98 predicted openings. just need one of them between 1000 and 1500 with spaciousness, carpet, windows, cable connection, strategic position to bus stops and campus. went knitting with margaret low and had lunch with her and gary, my adopt-a-parents. that would make pastor dan my uncle haahaa.. and jason and michael my brothers. never had brothers before. got some ideas for apartment decorating. and i wanna get a loft bed. called reddy today they were like all.. the one that's listed that's going to be available now is not supposed to be there.. then why in the world put it up? you know what i mean? called a couple other places, they said to call back next month. what if other people get there first you know? ::sigh:: i'm excited, but worried, but there are plenty of apartment buildings. so yeah.

march 25 is also a day. delirious concert.
i'm tired. excuse my retartedness (retardedness however you spell it)

march 24 is also the day. my date with mr. oscar.

march 23 is the day. counting down. exactly 14 days.

i have so many private thoughts, it scares me a little.
"All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful to me, but I will not be mastered by anything." 1 Cor. 6:12

"But I say to the unmarried and to wodows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn." 1 Cor 7:8-9

"If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, then come and present your offering." Matthew 5:22-24

sitting on memorial glade doing my quiet time was really good... watching people. wondering what they're going through.
DOOOD!! it's late er.. early... whatever.

man.. i had a lot to write about in the shower.. but now...it's all gone.
Oh... something to be considered: what's my time stewardship like?
Am i being a good steward of my time? We're having a women's college class and it started today and i'm really looking forward to it. the teachers are very dynamic. :)
but i was thinking about it and i dunno.. i'm not sure I am.
at the beginning of the school year, at ysc, I made the commitment that i would spend time every day with God, meditating his word and praying and talking to him. Praise God i wanted to spend time with him all through first semester, but now, i'm feeling the pressures and time constraints... all because i do nothing you know what i mean? i was thinking about doing different things to help with time stewardship.. my palm is helping a lot now, actually. but i need to find a time for set quiet times.. it hasn't happened so far this summer, but it's getting there. also, my mom always said to have a sabbath day where it's like extended time with the Lord and she has a point. a day where you just rest and meditate and build relationships with other people by fellowshipping. i've been thinking about it more and more and it's been the topic of conversation.. i'm online a lot. online is a good form of communication to friends at home and people far away, but those who are in the neighborhood.. i should talk to in person more, i dunno, i don't think relationships are meant to be only online you know?

It's kind of sad... Christina and I haven't found an apartment yet, but i'm online looking at furniture, more specifically, these really cool loft beds with desks under them. i'm so excited, we're gonna have so much fun living in an apt. :-D finally we get to have halogen lights, candles, COOKING!!! decorating, a private bathroom, our own living space, TV maybe teehee... hopefully cable connection. :) and there're really cool apartment articles on www.apartment.about.com

Oh yeah, for Chinese new year, SFC did this thing where for red envelopes instead of putting money in them, you put a favor and i put that i had to clean someone's bathroom. but then andrew got my favor so instead of cleaning the bathroom, i cleaned their kitchen.. it wasn't much, just countertops, stove and floor. it was kind of fun...maybe it'll be a tradition, whoever gets my red envelope will have some part of their apt cleaned, or if they're in the dorm, their dorm vacuumed.

4 hours of chem.. trying to read 50 pages of text. i'm feeling a bit discouraged and slow.
and a bit lonely. time for lab report. i feel like eating leftovers of dinner today.

wwoooaaaa.. that was a manifesto.
this week has been a long week. i realized what kind of slackage i've been in the first part of the semester. so praise God this week is over. praise God i'm not gonna slack anymore. pray that i don't be single minded in my studies wanting to look for that 4.0. i think the reason why i didn't worry so much coming into berkeley was that i was expecting to get like a 3 or 3.5 or something.. or my aim was 3.4 because that was the average gpa getting into pharmacy school. first wave of midterms and paper are over. next one is march 21.. almsot exactly 3 weeks away. pretty darn good.

WHO DO I LIKE?
have i sufficiently gotten your attention?
sorry, i'm not at liberty to say. It's something between me, God and people that I trust.
I have a number of fears.
Falling in and out of liking. Not love because i don't believe you can fall in love. I call a lot of these phases because for me they are. In a way i think it's lust. i'm probably gonna get a lot of heat 'cause of this blog or no one's gonna be willing to "get to know me better" in that romantic sense, but i think it's something that's so major in the world that not responding to it would be sort of.. lacking i guess. Yeah.. so i fear that what i feel is temporary. but the funny thing is what i feel for my family has been the same.. it's permanent. I love them and I'll love them forever. But they've been so good to me. God has been so good to me. What if my faith is tested you know? Will my love for the Almighty be unconditional or conditional? That's something i fear in a relationship, too. Another fear is that i'm too young. People change and people mature and people maybe move backwards, but sometimes, i'm still in kid mode. I still think i'm under my parents' superivsion and i'm not willing to take responsibility for my own life. I've never really been able to express my love to people and tell them how much i appreciate them by saying I love you. I can't say I love you to my mom, dad or sister in person. I've never really said I love you to my friends in person though it probably would mean so much to them knowing how much someone loves them and cherishes them. God is my first love. But it'll be nice to say to someone that i love them and encourage them and spur them on. ok tangent back to what i meant to write about.
I'm going to be honest... it would be nice to be in a relationship, but i know there are things that I know i need to work on.. what? getting back into serving. not being consumed with whatever is on my mind being either school or being romantically involved in someone. it's so interesting that now i'm in college, people are asking, so are you dating? do you like anyone? is there anyone you think you could potentially date? no. not right now. I promised to myself, God, my mother and a whole mess of my friends that freshman year I would let God mold me to whatever woman He wants me to be and to be totally satisfied in my singleness and praying for God to also be preparing a godly man who I can serve who would love me. I guess you can say my views are not of this world and they're archaic. When askign someone to the prom, my friend said, ask the guy... it's the 90's. i dunno it just didn't really feel right. And i've sworn off dancing. I can't say that I was pure at formal dances and yeah.. i'm promising right now like i've promised when i graduated from high school that I'll never dance like that again. at one of the dances, i kept thinking, am I glorifying God by doign this? No i wasn't. I was just adding fuel to the already burning fire of lust for me and the other person. I've sought forgiveness from God and I want to be clean... and i am.
insecurity about myself is another fear. looking at myself... sometimes i wonder how could a guy like me. evaluating the extremity of emotion that i feel about these things and pms sometimes i wonder why and how someone would have the patience with me and believe me it takes a lot of patience to deal with me.
I dunno, what kind of guy am i looking for? Someone godly, someone actively searching to know and love God more. someone who is gentle in spirit, not insensitive, not too sensitive. someone willing to take initiative and lead, but someone who will not be a dictator and work at his own agenda. someone to seeks the will of God and who respects and cherishes my input. Someone besides God worth serving. I will never initiate a relationship because it's not my place and if i do that in a relationship, to be honest, that person is not worth it and he needs to learn how to be a leader.
so much of my high school life has revolved around relationship drama, and when it comes to marriage and being with someone, i don't want that. some people say the higher you go the more love and happiness you feel, the harder you're going to fall. is that really true? i don't want that to be true for my relationship. Sure, fights and disagreements are going to come up, but there's a reason for all of these. if there are none, i worry. if there are too many, i worry, too.
ok. i think i've talked enough. sorry it's so long, just felt like i needed to get it out there. and again, if i was unwise with my words or wrote something that was sinful or wrong, please, by all means tell me.

i'm blogging right now because i don't want to work on either my paper or study for my math midterm on friday i know. terrible. haven't really been motivated to do anything and just wanting to slack off. i know. that's kind of bad. someone told me it was 'cause of the winter time. i don't know why. maybe 'cause i tried too hard first semester and i'm tired of trying and getting lazy. that's so not good. discipline.. something that i want to keep but not go overboard.

OXYGEN
I take each breath as if it is my first
I hold it there, so deep inside me
'til i'm about to burst
i speak each word as if it is your name
i move my lips... i see the whisper/
stir the gentle flame
your heart beats and so does mine
your loves moves
and i know i'm alive

you are my oxygen
i breathe you in
i breathe you out
you are my life
you are what life's about
-Avalon

It got all dreary, misty, gray, windy all of a sudden. :(

Today was a long day.5:00.. woke up thinking it was 8.
7:00 too tired set the alarm to 8.
8:00 wake up.
9:00 get to lab (thank goodness it was only a midterm review today.
9:05 ACK i forgot my report and hw at home.
9:15 get back to CKC and get hw.
9:40. get back to latimer and hand in stuff.
9:45. class ends go to northside and eat crepes and study and call my mom who's at work so i didn't really talk to her.
11:00 math discussion almost fall asleep. take quiz half asleep.
12:30 music. fun class.
2:00 meet up with christina eat.
3:00 fall asleep on the benches outside of dwinelle...unconsciously breathingcarbon monoxide and tar. Random fun fact: when you fall asleep, your sense of smell is the first to be inactive. so if you have a fire and no fire alarm.. you can die. morbid thought but yeah. Thank God for fire alarms.
3:45 EAT
5:00 walk to pimentel
5:30 midterm.
7:10.. DONE WITH MIDTERM!!!
7:30.. easy mac dinner with Christina. MMMmmMMMMM
9:30 WE STINKIN FIND OUT MICHELLE KWAN GETS BRONZE AND SARAH HUGHES GETS GOLD BEFORE WE ACTUALLY SEE THEM PERFORM. At least it took a lot of the expectancy stress off.
11:40 at CKC.
2:05 typing this.

nevermind. it doesn't work when it's actually published.

�‡
HAahaahaa DO YOU SEE THE INFINITY SIGN? IT WORKS!
thank you Hannah. :)

The Euthyphro Dilemma of Philosophy:
Does God like piety because people are pious, or are people pious because God likes piety?
(this question arose in Plato's Euthyphro in a dialogue...)
Why is that even a dilemma? There are supposedly 2 "horns" of this question. If you take the first one, that means you're putting a limit on God's power and you're implying that there is an ethical order beyond God. If you think the other half of the question, one is limiting man's power.
It's an interesting question to think about but let me share what I believe the answer to the question is.
This question is not a dilemma for me because I believe in God's almighty all-knowing power. So I don't have a real problem with accepting the fact that man's power is limited. Man's power is limited. This statement is what you call a categorical proposition in logic (read Come let us reason by Norman Geisler if you get a chance). An affirmative categorical proposition. So anyway, I believe that God is the source and standard for perfection, morality and ethics.
But why stop there. Why not question piety.
What does piety mean? Well, my favorite website: Dictionary.com says:
"Having or exhibiting religious reverence; earnestly compliant in the observance of religion; devout.
Marked by conspicuous devoutness: a pious and holy observation.
Marked by false devoutness; solemnly hypocritical: a pious fraud.
Professing or exhibiting a strict, traditional sense of virtue and morality; high-minded."
Just because one is pious doesn't mean that one is a Christian, or in other religions, that particular religion. It is the state of mind, the condition of the heart by which we are saved. "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God, not as a result of works, that no one whould boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
You can wave a heresy flag or talk to me and rebuke me, but I don't think God really appreciates piety unless it comes with absolute faith and love which I know I sometimes don't have. So... if we think about it.. the pharisees were pious, but Jesus reprimanded (if that is the correct word) time and time again. And they were revered teachers of the Law and major religious leaders of that time.
So I just totally lost my train of thought on this blog...

Be Thou My Vision
Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that thou art
Thou my best though by day or by night.
Waking or sleeping thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, be Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Fa-ther, I thy true child
Thou in me dwelling, by love reconciled

Riches I need not, nor earth's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou on-ly, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'n's Sun
Heart of my heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all

HOT POT today.. mmmmmm. I tried the rice noodles for the first time today. Once you put them in boiling water, they shrink and become soft immediately. It's quite nice. Rice noodles are so good. They remind me ofmy trip to malaysia. It was singles day at the restaurant today. I had a coupon so we all decided to go. It's kind of funny 'cause there were a number of single girls going to hot pot. It was like the day where they all can indulge in meats of all types, marinated, sliced, boned, rare, well done.. any kind of meat to your hearts desire. My pick? Those ribs, and those pork chops.. mmmmmmMMMMmmm. :) And the noodles. pretty good, too.

Testimony

I was born and raised in a Christian Home and I can honestly say that I’m so fortunate to have been raised in such an environment. I was exposed to Christian Doctrine and the church early on, but of course as a child, I never really understood quite the sacrifice that Jesus made by dying on the cross. I was a kid so I did dumb things like steal from my mom, and my thought life was a mess. I worried and I was terrified of death. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and going to my mom’s room and just telling her that I’m afraid of dying.

When I was seven I contracted pneumonia. It was the strain that wouldn’t be crippling in adults, but as a child, it was potentially lethal. The Dr. tried a type of antibiotic but what was in my lungs didn’t go away so I was hospitalized. In the hospital he tried a number of other antibiotics intravenously, but it did not work either. I didn’t know it at the time but my condition was serious and my mother and father prayed earnestly that I would get through it. I remember old women standing next to my bed and saying I should ask Jesus into my heart and I’ll be saved. Praise to God, He saved me. The doctor, as a last resolve before sending me to a children’s hospital, he tried erythromycin (the first antibiotic) intravenously and it worked. God healed me through the antibiotic.

I started thinking about what the old women had said and I lived my life like a Christian not really understanding. I believed that Jesus did die to save me and be my Lord, but it wasn’t real to me. I truly made the decision to give my life to my Savior was when I went to a conference. The speaker came around to people and asked if anyone needed any prayer and said I wanted to be saved and I started crying. I felt the Holy Spirit moving through me and then I knew. It was real to me and I realized that my life is nothing without Christ.

I’m not perfect and my life hasn’t been perfect, but slowly and surely, God is breaking me and molding me into something he can use. I’m a very serious person and I sometimes read too much into some situations and I worry too much and it’s a sin that I continually struggle with. I remember talking to my mom and she gave me this passage:
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

yeah.. apologies.. too many changes, but i like this one better. It's simpler. calming, more boring. a reflection of my personality. :)
so apologies for so many changes. but ima stay with this one. :)

The area Christina and I are willing to live is between Parker and Durant, and between College and Ellsworth. Is that reasonable? Yeah...

going to hot pot tomorrow for 10.99. Fun stuff. :-D

Does anyone have any suttestions to what commentaries or what not for Isaiah and the prophets? I wanna go into more depth in my quiet times/studying and yeah.

Happy Chinese Lunar New Year.

today is just blog day... keep forgetting to mention this..
Ecclesiastes 5:2 "Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God. For Godis in heaven andyou are on the earth; therefore let your words be few." (NASB translation)

Let My Words Be Few By Matt Redman
You are God in heaven and here am I on earth.
So i'll let my words be few, Jesus I am so in love with you.

And I'll stand in awe of you (3x)
And I'll let my words be few, Jesus I am so in love with you.

The simplest of all love songs, I long to sing to you,
So I'll let my words be few, Jesus I am so in love with you.

It's cool to find the verse references to songs that are good. It's also a good test to discern whether or not the Song takes God's word out of context and stuff.

Why give flowers that represent your love when they only last for a couple days? Why give chocolates when you know your love "doesn't eat sweets"?
Dr. Roz prescribes (notice the pharmacy reference) giving practical gifts that one can use like socks. Everyone needs socks. What else? Cups/Towels, ooo.. everyone needs soap and shampoo and toothpaste and toothbrushes. The list goes on and on.
Sure irises/roses/orchids (my favorite flowers) are beautiful...but just think what kind of an impression would you make if you gave them something that represents your love in a more... permanent/useful manner?
Disclaimer: these views do not by any circumstance represent the views of all people of the female persuasion in this age group or any other...so yeah... take this all with a grain of salt. It's just a ploy for me to say that i'm too lazy to go grocery shopping.

I'm at home.. what time is it? 1 am? I'm in my sister's room... why? I dunno.
Today was the funeral. I learned a lot about my grandma. She taught my dad how to make dumplings, and my dad taught me how to make dumplings and man were they so good. I also learned what it was like to be a godly woman. My grandma was a godly woman. She served her family, she left her own family and served my grandfather's whole family. Sometimes my uncles or whoever would drop in on their house and she and my grandfather would be singing hymns and stuff. My grandfather was a pastor and my grandmother was a pastor's wife and yeah.. it's amazing what kind of sacrifices and stuff she made for her husband. Proverbs 31 immediately comes to mind when I think about her now.

Going to fellowship: It was kind of fun seeing everyone so surprised to see me. It's really good to be home, it's secure and yeah... yeah.. so yeah i'm kind of tired.. dunno why slept like the whole afternoon after the funeral. today is the 8th?

Praise: Praise God, got into math class.
but in the big scheme of things, this doesn't matter. do you know how i learned? My grandmother passed away. She was a christian so she's now with the Lord. It took trauma like that to learn, for God to teach me that in the big scheme of things, math doesn't matter.
I loved nai nai (that's grandmother on the dad's side in mandarin). When I was little, we'd go to her and Yeh Yeh's apartment and she made us Red bean bao. From scratch and wheat bread and it tasted so good. And yeah her laugh and smile was really cool. But one thing that struck me was at Yeh Yeh's funeral... on the way there, she didn't cry, but once she hugged someone, her lip quivered and she whimpered and right then and there you could see that she really loved him. They had a good marriage. She was a really strong person. Stubbourn at times, but she was a really strong person. She wouldn't complain when she broke her hip. She's self reliant and a godly woman. Her parkinsens' (however you spell it) got to her, but I always thought it'll be ok. She'll always be able to remember. When we went to her place, there would be a spark or recognition and her facial features would soften into a smile, but as it progressed, she remembered nothing. She couldn't walk, couldn't talk too well and her hands shook. I would say "Nai Nai hao" And she would ask who I was. She didn't even remember my dad. I found out on friday and though we were preparing for it, in the whole math/away from home thing.. it came as a shock and last friday i coudln't go a few hours without crying. I was being selfish for everything to work out fine, for things to be perfect for me. I know now that it's not so and God has his own plan. God took my grandmother home where she can be whole again. She can walk she can talk and she's with my grandmother and she can remember. I think when a Child of God dies, it's those who are still on earth who are sad.. because it's a loss and we loved that person very much. It kind of just showed me that I was putting God in a box, praying and kind of expecting that he would settle my schedule my way. Now, i understand and know God a little more. From the depths we cry out and that is when God reaches down and comforts us. Not because we deserve it, not because we're these superior beings that can be humored, but because he loves us and because through this He will be glorified, through this his children will learn what kind of a father he is. When these things happen, we also find out what kind of brothers and sisters we have and I've been blessed with brothers and sisters who mirror Christ's love and I'm so thankful. So here I am writing this on a wednesday night, flying home tomorrow being at peace with all that God has given me. Through that, I find great joy and peace.